Funny how a random fun conversation with a group of friends can lead to the dredging up of emotions that you were unaware you were still harboring. I had a conversation like that tonight with a group of friends over drinks. You get to talking about your social life - your love life - etc. And it's fun. You make jokes, you laugh, you all learn a little more about each other. All around a good time.
But what happens when you go home?
Talking about one's past or one's habits invites recollection of the past. Which is something that I general tend not to dwell on. Starting the conversation - no matter how sterile it actually is with the present company, begins the thought processes that never really got mulled over. It invites a re-examination of how you got where you are emotionally, socially and romantically. I also tend to avoid this train of thought - because I find it painful.
But the point is that I didn't KNOW that I found it painful until this evening. I feel confused by this. I feel in general confused by myself.
For example - why do I ultimately hate being alone? Anymore, I can't stand to be by myself. And I don't know why. It makes no sense to me and it doesn't seem to fit into my personality.
Is it because I am an extreme extrovert? (even though I prefer to be at home with no neighbors?) Or is it because I am used to not having to be alone due to close friends and significant others who filled my life? Or is it just that I had at one time in my life made a decision that would mean that I would never be alone when I went home and now I have made a decision that negates that one without having a strong support group around me, so I am trying to rely on folks I hardly know to fill that hole?
I have no answers. But I do dread coming home to an empty apartment in the middle of nowhere and I don't know why. It was supposed to be a sanctuary. . .
Anyway,
The end of this story -
Coming home from this fun outing with my friends. . . I cried the whole way home experiencing a well of unexpressed emotions that I was unaware I even had inside me.
Seriously weird.
As Carl Lenthe would say - Food for Thought.
But what happens when you go home?
Talking about one's past or one's habits invites recollection of the past. Which is something that I general tend not to dwell on. Starting the conversation - no matter how sterile it actually is with the present company, begins the thought processes that never really got mulled over. It invites a re-examination of how you got where you are emotionally, socially and romantically. I also tend to avoid this train of thought - because I find it painful.
But the point is that I didn't KNOW that I found it painful until this evening. I feel confused by this. I feel in general confused by myself.
For example - why do I ultimately hate being alone? Anymore, I can't stand to be by myself. And I don't know why. It makes no sense to me and it doesn't seem to fit into my personality.
Is it because I am an extreme extrovert? (even though I prefer to be at home with no neighbors?) Or is it because I am used to not having to be alone due to close friends and significant others who filled my life? Or is it just that I had at one time in my life made a decision that would mean that I would never be alone when I went home and now I have made a decision that negates that one without having a strong support group around me, so I am trying to rely on folks I hardly know to fill that hole?
I have no answers. But I do dread coming home to an empty apartment in the middle of nowhere and I don't know why. It was supposed to be a sanctuary. . .
Anyway,
The end of this story -
Coming home from this fun outing with my friends. . . I cried the whole way home experiencing a well of unexpressed emotions that I was unaware I even had inside me.
Seriously weird.
As Carl Lenthe would say - Food for Thought.
