Please stop the world. I'd like to get off.

2009-07-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

CAPTION CONTEST!!!

Post your suggestion for an amazing caption as a comment. What do you win? Hilarity.

2008-09-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a new category:

Unbelievable Gig Experience!

Last night, I had the most ridiculous thing happen to me at a gig.

I am the bass trombonist with a 17 piece jazz orchestra called "The Stardusters" that, among other things, always plays the last Wednesday of the month at a pub here in Bloomington.

In this pub, the bandstand is set up right next to a huge window so that you can see the performers to entice folks into the bar. I am set up right next to that window which has a fenced in outdoor section right on the other side. As I am, by approximately 15 years, the junior of the group, it has become a regularity that young men sit at the tables right outside the window instead of in front of the band indoors. These young men are constantly trying to get my attention and are occationally rewarded with a polite smile for their efforts.

Well, there was one such young man sitting outside last night. I kept seeing him staring at me out of the corner of my eye, and was intentionally not looking at him as much as possible because he was literally 3 feet away from me. At the end of one tune, a wave of police cars going past the pub caught my attention, causing me to look in his direction. He seemed delighted and pantomimed "bravo" and "encore". I did a little bow and motioned to the band behind me.

I intentionally did not look at him after that because I could feel him trying to get my attention to lock eyes again - but I did notice out of the corner of my eye an animated conversation between him and his waitress in which he frequently pointed at me. The waitress then went and got the manager of the pub, and an animated conversation occurred between them, again with frequent pointing.

About 15 minutes later, we were playing a rendition of "Moten Swing" when the most bizarre thing happened. We were about 24 bars into the chart, when all of the sudden this guy from outside starts to walk into the bandstand!! He is pushing his way through the saxophonists while we are still playing and was coming straight for me! Our band leader, Jerry, grabbed the guy's arm and yelled "Hey buddy! What the hell do you think you are doing?! You can't come in here!!". The guy went as far as he could with Jerry holding his arm and then started throwing money at me!!! He ended up throwing five dollars and then he just left the bar.

I swear, that was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me at a gig. And the band didn't miss a beat, although some folks were having problems playing because they were laughing so hard. . . .

And yes, I kept the money , bitch.

2008-09-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOSH!! A NEW POST!!!!

So sorry to my "adoring fan" (Mom?) at the length of time since my last post. Life pretty much exploded on me since the last time I posted.

Here is a list of random things that have occurred since my last post here:

I graduated. Sort of. I still need to take piano proficiency because I sort of forgot to sign up for the test. I only have to test out of scales, so my degree (or lack thereof) is contingent on me playing approximately four scales for IU. No, I'm not kidding. Oh well, I'm still in town!
I got a job working in the Friends of Music office at IU. Only hourly right now, but I've applied for the full position. We'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted!
I wrote a book. Yes. A book. It is called "The Lean Months Survival Guide". We'll see what happens, I'm still in the editing process. Anyone want to cook-test some recipes?
The horse is back home finally. YAY! A friend is helping me take care of him in exchange for being able to ride him on days that she cares for him.

That's the nutshell version of my life. Now onto the good stuff:

Asinine Discoveries - Slow News Day

Today I found a magical newspaper article in the Bloomington Herald Times:

"Researchers study behavior at buffets - Report finds differing dining habits among fat, skinny folks"

Here are some highlights:

"Wansink bases these tips on research he and a colleague . . . conducted observing 235 people in 14 Chinese all-you-can-eat buffets."

Somehow, this concept is insanely funny to me.

"Their findings will be released to the New York Times today"

Apparently the Herald Times is not the only paper having a slow news day.

"In the buffet study, Wansink also found that heavy people chewed an average of 11 times per forkful of food, compared to 15 times for people of normal weight"

Who's job was it to sit there and count while people chewed? How uncomfortable would that make you feel, to have someone staring at you while you ate - making tick marks on a tablet?

". . . rotund eaters put more food on their plates"

Um... no shit?

And to think - someone funded this research!

2008-05-23T00:33:00.000-07:00

Random Song Generator Adventure

For those of you who know me exceptionally well, you already know what it is that I refer to here. Indulge me to explain to those who are not as familiar:

I know the lyrics to a really disgusting amount of songs from a wide variety of genres, eras and languages. I have no idea how many it actually is, I'm not sure there is any way of quantifying it.

The "Random Song Generator" is what we have lovingly dubbed my brain when it won't settle on just one song. My mind goes from song to song in free association mode and picks up some really incredibly random things.

Today, Random Song Generator started going, and I realized that a lot of these songs I hadn't heard in ages. I thought, "Why don't I own these things yet?" So I decided to start buying the ones I could find on I-tunes. I had to cut myself off after only 15 minutes because it was getting really expensive!

It all started with me thinking about Elle Greenwich. She wrote a lot of very popular songs back in the 60's and I played her in a musical in high school. Fun times.

It started with:
Da Doo Run Run

And here is what happened next:

And Then He Kissed Me
The Kind of Boy You Can't Forget
Do Wah Diddy
I Wanna Love Him So Bad
River Deep, Mountain High
Can't Get Enough of Your Love
Daydream Believer
Respect
Just My Imagination
Black Magic Woman
Take It Easy
After Midnight
Tip Toe Through the Tulips
Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
Light My Fire
A Day In the Life
Hello, I Love You
I Don't Want to Live on the Moon
Spanish Caravan
Five O'Clock World
I Only Have Eyes For You
Walking My Baby Back Home
Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay
What a Wonderful World
Build Me Up Buttercup
Simply Irresistible
Furry Sings the Blues
See-Line Woman
I Want You to Want Me
From the Air
Then I Saw Her Face
Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife
It Depends On What You Pay
Spirits In the Material World
Limon y Sal
His Cheeseburger
Caraluna
She Cries Your Name
Super Mario Bros Theme Song

And that it where I am going to stop it for this evening. Obviously, I'm on some sort of Oldies kick today. Strange.

Super fun challenge!!! A batch of cookies to whoever can name the most recording artists to match those songs!!

2008-05-23T00:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in forever because nothing interesting has been happening, however, randomly I have a lot of stuff to write about. So I'm going to. So there. Deal with it.

I found a CD downstairs today while I was looking for Season 3 of Red Dwarf.
This is what it says on it:

Jen & Adam
Thanks for Sharing our Wedding Day!
-Jon & Shelly Triggs
9/16/05

How much can change in three years? I'll tell you this much, a lot of heartbreak and drama has occurred since that day. It seems like it has been much longer than 3 years. Sadly, neither of these couples are still together.

This is an interesting artifact though. This was top of the parabola for both of these relationships. For Jon and Shelly, the ultimate consumation of their relationship up until that point. For Adam and I? The day we took our engagement photos.

Who would have ever guessed it would have turned out so poorly for all parties?

Strange.

True.

Blogworthy.

2008-05-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

I just made the world's most pathetic craft. . . .

You see, I'm in our big house by myself right now while my roommate is staying at his folks for the next month. It's a glorious thing to have the house to myself all day. . . that is, until I try to sleep. I keep thinking that someone is breaking into our house, so I've gotten in the habit of sleeping with my cellphone in my hand.

Don't ask me why it helps me sleep. I know that it makes no sense at all. I guess I think I'm going to dial 911 like lightening?

Anyway, for now I can't sleep without my cellphone on my person. Great.
I also have a habit of sleeping with my only stuffed animal, Copper, the red panda. Not for any particular reason, I just like having something to hug.

Well, I got to thinking last night that it would be totally awesome if I combined the two - so I decided to put my crocheting skills to work and make a little cellphone backpack for Copper.

So. Lame.

2008-04-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, crisis averted.
Although Goro still has my pie pan, I was able to convince Eeyore, The Prince Of Darkness to bring over his pie pan at 11:30 pm in exchange for some fresh-out-of-the-oven cookies.
And thus, my pie was saved.
Here is a picture.

Goro, I still need that pie pan.

And everyone? I still need that stunt kite.

2008-04-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

GORO!!!! I NEED MY PIE PAN!!!!!

2008-04-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Cookies - reincarnate.

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning? Make some cookies. Before breakfast even.

This time, it was personal.

The result?

The best cookies I have ever made. And I'm not exaggerating. Here they are:

These are finally just the way I remember my mom's tasting. (Hey MOM, you haven't made me cookies in FOREVER!!) :)

Mine have always been good - and they've been close to what mom does, but it's never been exactly the same cookie. This time - I NAILED IT.

Now if only I can reproduce it. . . . .

2008-04-12T00:57:00.001-07:00

A Day Of Lament

I messed up my own cookies.
I repeat.
I messed up my own cookies.

I can't believe it.

I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.

An epitaph for my cookies:

Oh eggs,
Where were you when my cookies needed you most?
You were lying next to the mixing bowl
Instead of in the batter
Now the cookies are lying
In a dumpster
On Covenanter Lane

2008-04-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Holyshitbloggingtwodaysinarow!

I had a great day today, dammit. And I just want everyone to know.

Times have been really rough for me lately because of rampant injuries, interpersonal relationship stresses, and major financial problems. However, many of those things are looking like they are working out for the good. . . .

Item #1: I got paid today! From three different people who have been owing me money!!

In celebration of me having money with which to buy food, Goro and I went to Sahara Mart where I was able to buy essentials to last me for the rest of the month. I'm still pretty tight financially, but at least I have just enough to buy what I need and to get a hair cut!!!!! I was thrilled. I only got a trim, so no one noticed - but I think my hair looks better. Which is, I suppose, in the grand scheme of things all that matters anyway.

Item #2: It doesn't look like I'll be needing surgery for my left hand!

I gained a lot of mobility with the finger today and the swelling went down. Whew!

Item #3: I sounded like a bad-ass on the trombone for the first time since I hurt my shoulder. And with witnesses even!

Item #4: I. Have. Awesome. Friends. They listen to me whine. They help me solve my actual problems. They cheer me up, buy me a whole package of cupcakes when the vending machine eats my money, take me out for dinner and go out of their way to cart my ass around town. No one has any right to ask for better friends than I have. For reals.

The B.F., Goro, Brover John, and Ken - I present you with this trophy for your awesome friend-itude. Treasure it forever.

2008-04-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Left Side of My Body is Cursed.

I'm sure of it. As I'm lying here in bed trying to find a sleep position that keeps my left hand above my heart while simultaneously trying not lying on my left shoulder, it occurs to me that everything happens to me on my left side. This has gone back as long as I can remember (with the exception of the 3 side neutral times I cracked my chin open).

Here is a list of all the major problems/injuries I've ever had:

Born with broken left shoulder blade
Scissors dropped in left eye
All skin on left knee removed by falling on a piece of glass.
Hit by a car - broke both bones in lower left leg.
Middle toe on left foot broken by a horse stepping on it.
Improperly done filling causes improperly done root canal causes tooth removal and subsequent tooth replacement on a left molar.
Otoschlerosis on the left side.

There is the history. Noticing a trend? Even minor injuries tend to favor that side!

Here are the things that are currently wrong with me:

Left shoulder messed up from playing too much trombone. (as of 3 weeks ago)
Left foot has 4 inch long cut on sole from slipping in shower. (as of this morning)
Left palm got a knife stuck almost all the way through it while doing dishes. And now it's all swollen and I can't really move my ring finger. (as of this evening)

But in happy news, my right side feels GREAT! :p

2008-03-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Finished Sweater!

I just got done with my biggest crocheting project that I have tackled to this point. You see, I'm an avid "fiber-artist", but I have total project A.D.D. Usually, I have to do little projects so that I know I'll finish them - but I decided to buy some nice yarn and sit down and commit myself to this project.

I'm relatively happy with the results, and I've gotten several compliments on the sweater already. Being the perfectionist that I am, I'm not 100% happy with the finished product. It fits really really well. That's great. But somehow, I suck at positioning buttons and snaps. They just aren't quite right and they are creating annoying little buckles here and there. *sigh*.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. Or I'll just learn to live with it.

But, it fits. It looks decent. It's comfortable. And it's a LOVELY orange color, of which I totally approve.

2008-03-17T19:24:00.001-07:00

Bill O'Reilly VS. Godwins Law

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-swAcidXHyM

Brilliant.

2008-03-16T22:07:00.001-07:00

Purple Flowers!!!

I found them outside
Clusters that covered our lawn
I am delighted

2008-03-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

A Haiku

The years pass swiftly
One thing remains a constant
I want a stunt kite

2008-03-07T10:05:00.001-08:00

Not even the world's most attractive man can rock the 'stache.
Might this be a lesson for us all?

2008-03-04T20:22:00.001-08:00

Bad Marketing:

I found this advertisement for a "career" at McDonalds while watching episodes of the Colbert Report online. How likely do you suppose it is that folks who regularly watch the Colbert Report actually fit into this target demographic? It seems to me that the majority of people who enjoy watching the show might just be more inclined to make fun of it. Why, I'm about to do that right now!

I think the thing that most strikes me about this ad is how the left seems to be an advertisement for a community or small public college telling you how they can prepare you for you for the career of which you've always dreamed. This is starkly contrasted with the "McDonald's" sign on the right. I don't know about you - but when I think of the LAST place I would consider working with two degrees, McDonald's is the FIRST place that comes to mind."

I am suddenly reminded of that Saturday Night Live commercial from back in the 90's. "What will your family do when you are gone? Start planning for their futures - LOTTO."

I realize that McDonald's is probably trying to change precisely that impression. The real humor lies in how poorly they are accomplishing that mission. They are showing this ad to a demographic that, last time I checked, is made up primarily of college students and young professionals. So essentially, they are showing this ad to a group of people for whom the idea of working at McDonald's is their ultimate nightmare of failure. Telling this demographic that they can "maximize their full potential" at McDonald's is probably more likely to scare them than to inspire them! In addition, there is not a single reason given on the sign to inform me why my opinion of employment at McDonald's might be wrong or outdated. Come on folks, know your demographic!

Therefore, I give McDonald's the same advice I gave the movie "Gracie":
Fire. Your. Publicist.

2008-03-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

Misadventure!!!

Today I had a fun and challenging project to tackle:
To give you the back story - Goro, my friend and accompanist, broke his wrist several weeks ago. As you might imagine, I've had several reasons to be concerned about his recovery. . .

The doctor has given him the go-ahead for playing - as long as he doesn't do anything that hurts, like move his wrist around too much. The trouble is that the splint that they had given him was made for just after the surgery when he was not able to move his fingers or thumb around very much. The problem? Well, it's pretty hard to play the piano when you can't move your wrist, but damn near impossible when you can't move your thumb!

We got to talking about how the brace could be improved by removing the thumb piece - but of course, you don't want to mess with the brace that you wear for everyday activities just to play a few hours a day. We started talking about the perfect brace for playing piano at this stage in his healing. It would need to immobilize the wrist from motion while allowing the fingers full range of motion. I started talking about the different ways you could go about achieving that, when the familiar but reckless creative crafting demon inside me suddenly decided to take over my body and use it for its own designs.

"I can make that," I was suddenly compelled to say.

The rational side of me was like "You can't be serious - a brace for a BROKEN WRIST?? Are you out of your mind??!!"

But the crafty side somehow won the argument with "Oh, come on. How hard could it be?"

So Goro and I went to Johann's Fabrics and Lowe's to pick up a sturdy fabric, some Velcro, and some sort of material for the brace part that needed to be firm but somewhat flexible so we could mold it to his hand. After spending 30 or 40 minutes wandering around Lowe's, we finally realized that the best material was probably just really firm cardboard - which we could totally get for free. So we got some. And I was able to successfully mold it into a very firm board to support the wrist.

I'll spare you all the boring details of how I put it together - but here are some shots of what he already had compared with what I made for him.
Here is the brace from the doctor - notice the immobile thumb:

Here is my version. And for all of you who may be freaking out about this idea, this is only an aid to helping him to stop from accidentally moving the wrist too far while playing gigs and such forth. Sure beats the alternative of not playing with a brace at all. . . but I do not recommend this for general life purposes!

Click on this pic to see the cool red stitching!

So there you have it. I must say, I really surprised myself with this one!

2008-02-28T13:44:00.001-08:00

She is never going to live this down.

2008-02-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Feeding the Addiction:

So, compliments of friend, freestyletacet I have found a new website called Ravelry . It's basically a social networking site for yarn-arts junkies.

Pros:
The site has lots of folks involved and is fun and inviting.
The site has lots of free patterns.
There are links to great yarn stores nationwide.
There are blogs.
There are help forums.

Cons:
The site has lots of folks involved and is fun and inviting.
The site has lots of free patterns.
There are links to great yarn stores nationwide.
There are blogs.
There are help forums.
And I'm wasting WAY too much time there!!!

I, myself, am primarily a crocheter. Do I knit? Well, sort of. I can make boxes - and even scarves! (read, loooong box) Usually, I knit just enough to get to crochet. Want a sweater? Ok, I'll knit a couple of boxes and make it into a sweater by crocheting the pieces together. Yes, that's just how untalented at knitting I am.

Because of this, in the past I've gotten away with not starting new projects because I purposely avoid looking at new patterns from which to get ideas. Knits are always fashionable - but crocheted pieces are usually lace (too time consuming) or too bulky (read, ugly) to be of any interest for me to try to reproduce. Plus, I really don't know other crochet junkies because knitting for some reason seems to be much more "en vogue", (read, popular in the fringe society of people who enjoy doing repetitive tedious motions in the hopes of getting something vaguely wearable) The end result of this, is that I spend my time doing things like working, practicing, getting stuff done, etc.

Now enter Ravelry: So, all of the sudden, my interest is piqued by a few patterns - and I buy some yarn online . . . . now I'm trapped back in the addiction because I have more ideas for projects than I could possibly ever have time to get to. Shit. Freestyletacet, what have you done to me??!

2008-01-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Asinine-itude-ation:

This month has brought a wave of random ill-informed antagonistic behavior in my direction. I say ill-informed because in all cases, the allegations brought against me are bordering on the ridiculous - and are rather easily proven to be false if the antagonistic character had just bothered to check facts before throwing around blame.
Luckily, the effects in all cases have been relatively limited because I have had more than adequate documentation to prove my side - but it doesn't stop me from being rather annoyed at the situation. Therefore, I have invented a new way to honor these rash individuals by introducing a new point reward system for their actions. . .

Apply Now for the Fuck You Rewards card!
Piss me off! Win fabulous prizes!

Offense APR is 0% for the first use! After that, a 16% variable annoyance and anger rate may be adhered to your account balance for subsequent use without repaying the balance to my favorable opinion of you.
No credit limit on offenses!
Exclusive savings! With regular use, you can reduce my association with you by up to 75%!
Now with wrath insurance! With repeated use of your Fuck You Rewards card, you earn more towards insuring that your account will never be completely devoid of my wrath.

How to earn Fuck You Rewards points:

Now it's easier than ever to get started earning Fuck You Rewards! Simply offend me, and you have begun to earn points that you can use in my Rewards program. Each offense will earn you a variable amount of points, depending on the severity and drawn-out-ness of the event. *

All Fuck You Rewards Card members begin as a Bronze member. From there, you can earn your right to move up in the Rewards system!

Bronze member: 0-100 Fuck You points earned
Silver member: 100-200 Fuck You points earned
Gold member: 200-300 Fuck You points earned
Platinum member: 300-infinite Fuck You points earned

*Conditions on point earning are subject to change at any time with the arrival of events that may include, but are not limited to; the amount of unredeemed points already earned towards your Rewards, me having a crappy day, or visits by "Aunt Flow".

How to redeem your Fuck You Rewards:

A great feature of the Fuck You Rewards card program is that your offenses won't expire, giving you ample time to decide how you want to redeem them!

Bronze Member redemption options:

Generally irritated behavior.

Silver Member redemption options:

Cold indifference.
Exaggerated professionalism in social and business transactions.

Gold Member redemption options:

Forced civility in social interactions.
General avoidance of you and places you tend to go.
Angry and indignant dispute.

Platinum Member redemption options:

With Platinum membership, you are automatically qualified for a free, limited time gift of FLAMING CAT SHIT from our private factory! Delivery included!

In addition, you have unlimited access to any of the above rewards options at any time!

2007-12-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

Asinine Discoveries:

Stupid people worry me. I seem to be running into a lot of them lately which worries me even more. Here is a list of the top idiots from this week:

Roger Highfield, Science Editor of the Telegraph. Read the article "Mankind 'shortening the universe's life' "

So wait - we have to observe something to make it happen? Sorry guys - Schrodinger's cat and trees falling in the forest do not real science make.

The two townies who were in an argument about whose kid was better at middle school football. In Clouse's lounge. Really. Highlights include:

"Well, my kid didn't even WANT to be on the football team. I told him he had to be cause I didn't want him ending up like one these here homos. (gestures at the music building) Now he is the star quarterback."
"Well, sounds to me like North has got a homo for a quarterback then. My son leaves and breathes football like a real man. Shouldn't have to convince a boy to play football!"

Stupid vocal majors in my early music history class. A few of today's best moments:

(In the middle of the lecture in a bitchy tone) "Ummm... excuse me, can we actually get some real information about what is going to be on the final? I'm feeling like you aren't covering this very well and I'm getting overwhelmed."
(During the open question session. . .) "Is the test going to be as long as the last one? You see, I think that it's total bullshit that the last test was longer than the first two. The test before you could take 30.5 seconds per question - but in our last test, there was only 20 seconds available per question - I didn't even get halfway done!

(Teacher's response) - "There were the exact same number of responses on each test - 110. If you didn't get done, this is entirely your own fault for not preparing properly." CLOWN.

2007-11-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

I actually learned something while studying for Music History today.

In Peri's opera, L'Euridice, an aria is sung to Hymen, the god of marriage.
I repeat - Hymen. The god of marriage.

And no, I'm not making that up.

That is all.

2007-10-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

Asinine Discoveries/I have a crazy life:

My digital camera is a piece of shit.

So today I went to see Pete Ellefson premier the new David Maslanka trombone concerto. It was a great piece - albeit a little long - and Pete did a great job with it.

I was supposed to be taking pictures of Pete performing with the ensemble. I sat all the way in the back left corner of the balcony so as not to attract attention to myself. Then I carefully turned off the flash and noises on my camera and then sat in wait of a good shot. I mostly just took pictures before and after the piece so as not to disturb the folks around me. Little did I know that I was about to really disturb anyone within eye-shot of me. . .

So, all was going pretty well although my camera was behaving pretty badly and doing some weird things, but I was quietly getting a couple of pretty good shots when I managed to hold still enough to deal with the lack of flash. Nothing could have prepared me for what followed.

All of the sudden during a quiet moment of the second movement, my camera went absolutely bonkers. The flash started going off on it's own in my lap like a strobe light. I wasn't even touching it! I grabbed the camera, and put my hand over the flash while I tried to figure out what sort of demon had possessed the damn thing. The flash wouldn't stop - and let me tell you - this is one unnecessarily bright flash. Finally I had to sit on it while I fumbled to take out the batteries, to the great amusement of those around me.

Pete saw it, and looked up in my direction (he was luckily not playing for almost a minute after this).

And so I was mortified.

2007-10-28T16:46:00.001-07:00

What is wrong with the Japanese?!

Feeling threatened? Put on a portable hiding place costume. WTF?!

2007-09-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Why hello again!

I'm so sorry that I am apparently the sole source of entertainment for so many of you loyal readers out there. . . So here you go - 5 minutes of blog reading glory to you. . .

New category!

Mentally Challenged Pets:

Today we are going to talk about cats. My cats. Specifically, how they have the tendency to do amazingly stupid things.

Most people who have met my cats will immediately assume that I am talking about my seriously impaired cat, Milhaud. But, no. Actually, this particular post belongs to Hildegard - the "smart one".

Yesterday, I purchased some lightbulbs for my studio. I left them in the bag in the studio for later installation as went about other business. A little later, I walked downstairs and Milhaud politely informed me that they were STARVING TO DEATH because they had only had a little food left in the dish. So I went to fill it up - which usually causes both cats to come running.

Milhaud runs in - and then I hear this deafening roar coming towards me. Panicked, I look around for the source when suddenly, Hildegard comes running into the room like a bat out of hell. Her eyes are like dinnerplates and every hair on her body is stuck straight in the air. Oh yes, AND she is stuck in the handle of my plastic bag full of lightbulbs. She thinks it is chasing her and thus proceeds to try to lose it by diving in and around other objects. Naturally, this just causes her to get "clotheslined" as the bag would get stuck. Naturally, this just made her run even harder. And NATURALLY the bag doesn't rip, but I hear this crash/tinkle sort of sound and magically the bag fits under the chair, under the book shelf, under the bed. After tearing around the room for what must have been at least two minutes, she finally dives back under the bed where she cowers, exhausted.

As the good cat-mom I am, I felt like I should probably get her uncaught from the bag and make sure she hadn't broken anything. So, I pulled the bed back and picked her up and untangled her from the plastic bag of a thousand horrors. Which is when I realized that she had actually been so scared that she had lost control of her bodily fluids. Perfect.
I open the bag. Sure enough, every last lightbulb is smashed into a thousand pieces.

Hildegard didn't come out from behind the bed for three hours. And when she finally did, she spent the first 15 minutes or so checking behind every nook and cranny for the cat-eating bag; and even then, for the next couple of hours every bumb or scrape would send her flying back under the bed.

Maybe it makes me a terrible person that I found this terribly amusing . . .

2007-07-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with the Japanese?!

In light of the numerous asinine discoveries stemming from this country, I decided that they should get their own heading.

And now: Two chicks fight the ultimate duel. With YOYOs.

2007-07-21T22:21:00.001-07:00

Asinine Discovery:

Musixbattle - trombone!

You have to hand it to the Japanese for their talent in making even the most mundane things exceptionally weird.

2007-07-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Real? Life update:

Hot, charming, sensitive Spaniard? Yes, please.
Jen is a very happy girl. Very happy indeed.
That is all.

2007-07-07T13:55:00.001-07:00

Asinine Discoveries:

I was reading an article about mail order brides from India when I decided to scope out the availability of mail order men. I just sort of figured it was like the male stripper deal - everyone knows they exist but there is just less demand for them. Turns out, they are not available for order at all. Although there is an over-abundance of "mail order bride" sites online, there is no equivalent service available to women. If you Google "mail order husband" or "mail order groom" you will get nothing more than a collection of parody sites (check out those hotties) odd jokes mentioned on blogs, and one actual service that has all Ukrainian men for order.

Interestingly enough, the Ukraine also has a mail order husband service for gays.

Here is a funny little ad that I found on Craigslist:

"I would like to leave the US as a mail order husband. Permanently expatriate. I would be willing to move to a surprising number of places. I suppose I will naturally go with the hottest woman-age unimportant. If your country doesn't hate America(ns) yet, that would be a bonus. I will perform husbandly duties, whatever is customary in your land. If I can drink beer and go bald with dignity, then this too would be a bonus.

Caucasian, raised Methodist, decent teeth. 6'1"or2" and 185#. I can carry stuff, and fix stuff, I like to cook, and don't mind knocking out some dishes now and then. Please be respectful. I am willing to depart based upon the results of the upcoming November elections."

Also, I just found the song about Iowa that I'm sure I've sang for all of you at some point. It's really not the same without the fiddles. . . . Click here to be amazed.

Yes, I really should be packing. Or practicing. Shhhhhh.

2007-07-06T22:29:00.001-07:00

"Sometimes a person, through no fault of his own, can't see past the end of his nose." - Mary Poppins

Yes, sometimes an otherwise good person is so motivated and centered that they are completely oblivious to the people and things around them. This causes them to accidentally be complete egotistical jerks to those who they see as no longer able to help them further their goals.

You know people like this.
I currently know several people like this.

But why do these individuals in my life tend to be men? Maybe just because I tend to find the ones who exhibit this behavior romantically since I'm a woman? You know the kind:
"Hey, I'm your friend - hey I want to be your lover - oh, nevermind - and I guess I'll toss you to the gutter as a friend just because I no longer want to date you."

Is it cowardice that causes this phenomenon?
Awkwardness because of a lack of communication and honesty?
Or just plain goal orientation gone horribly wrong?

Anyway you cut it, it really pisses me off because it robs me of my friends. To be honest, it makes me want to stop giving anyone a chance anymore .

So here is my petition to these several men in my life:
Stop avoiding me. Just be honest. I'm sick of the awkward bullshit and guessing games, and I'm sick of losing friends over an innocent trial-run date or two.

2007-07-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Real? Life:
World's Greatest Day!!!!
Well, probably not - but heck, I'm excited!! Here is some random stuff that went right today. . .

Bank "Error" in my favor!!
Do to a series of weird and random events, an inactive checking account of mine was used. For evil. And was overdrawn. I have none of the banks in this chain in town. In fact, the nearest is 2 hours away. AND the bank charges a $7.00 a day overdrawn fee.

I called a friend and had them deposit some funds for me, which they did. I went to check the status online and it said I was still overdrawn. Flustered, I called the bank and they explained the ridiculous predicament, which I will not get into right now - but said that if I mailed them a check for $30.00 that day or the next day that they would see to it that the per day fees for the time spent in transit were removed from my account.

Begrudgingly, I wrote a check and put it in the mailbox with the flag up to be removed by the postman. Unfortunately, due to the stupidity of the landlords, this letter ended up being removed from the mailbox - so it never got sent out. When I got back into town after the weekend, the letter was handed to me. Well, great. So I called my bank - and they gave me the most surprising solution I have ever heard:

"Ok, we'll just take all of the overdraft and late charge fees off of your account. How does that sound?"

Excuse me, what?! Really?! Thanks!!

So, now I don't owe them any money. I can't believe it. That has never happened before. . .

I'm moving out next week!!!!
Words cannot possibly fully express my excitement in this - so I won't bother even trying. My new landlord is letting me live there for free until August after hearing about my latest predicament. I've rarely been so happy.

Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a beautiful feeling,
Everything's goin' my way . . .

2007-07-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

Asinine Discoveries:

1. Today I came into possession of the most magical record. The title alone was enough to rocket it into my all time hall of fame of hilarity. What was the name, you ask?
JESUS SOUND EXPLOSION!
Now THAT'S a name for a record.
Friend Sara and I listened to it out of sheer curiosity while doing our daily "pain and suffering" routine. Highlights included:

A band called "Armageddon Experience" - No, I'm not making this up. They sang a song that almost entirely consisted of the words "One Way". I don't know about you - but regardless of your personal beliefs about Armageddon, I don't really think it is something I would like to "Experience".
A woman who below F sounded exactly like a gospel singer and above F sounded exactly like an opera singer. (very funny when the line dipped up and down in that range)
A song called "Jesus is Coming" which made me laugh so hard, I almost threw up. Here is a rough transcription of the first 30 seconds of the song . . .

Theremin introduction . . . (like in the horror movies)

Sound of a heartbeat over the theremin . . . . THUD DUB . . THUD DUB . . . THUD DUB . . .

On top of this, a woman starts saying in what I suppose was intended to be an excited voice, but it ultimately sounded terrified . . . "Jesus is coming . . . Jesus is COMING!!!!"

Wow.

2. Slow News Day. Apparently there is so little going on in the world right now that BBC online has had to resort to speculative reporting. Ever feel like you just need to know what might be in next weeks news? Click here to be enlightened . . .

2007-06-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

Asinine Discoveries
Some interesting webreadings

"We don't want homosexuals in OUR military - but we'd LOVE to support them in yours . . ." US Military tries to make the "gay bomb" and the "flatulence bomb" as nonviolent methods of winning wars. Good use of taxpayer dollars, guys.
How much money would it take before you allowed someone to cut a disfiguring hole in your completely healthy arm in the name of science? Me personally? All of my student loans.

Man sues a dry cleaning company for $54 million for losing his pants. Best part? He's a judge. That sure decreases my faith in our judiciary system. Too bad, because I didn't have very much to begin with. . .

2007-06-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Adventures in real? life:

Got a new kite! Sadly, it is still not a stunt kite - but it IS a beautiful black with drops of tie-dye $20 kite. I must say, I feel much cooler when I'm flying that kite than my pink Carebears one. Plus, this one floats in the air when the wind dies down, so it is much more conducive to kite flying in Indiana.
Made up with a friend that I had been on rough terms with. Happy. :)
I've officially lost 10 lbs in the last month! Hurrah for healthy weight loss. Only 15 more to go before target is achieved.
An offer for an interesting temporary career path has presented itself for the year after I graduate. More on this when I can talk about it - but it might be happy. . .

2007-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:
The curse of the one question form. . .

I just found out what the problem was with the SallieMae loan. What neither the school, nor SallieMae could tell me was passed on to me by my friend, Miranda who had a similar problem. Apparently, I had to fill out a "form" for summer financial aid - this is also why my scholarship that I was awarded (which I filled out a form for) did not go through.
The form?
Enter your student ID number. That was it. All of this trouble because I didn't go online and enter my student ID number. That was the WHOLE FORM! Everyone was telling me, "Everything is taken care of from your end." No one could say "Hey, go put your student ID number in a box online"??!

Unbelievable.

2007-06-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Misadventure:
I got paid $100 to play one 4 minute piece today.

That is all.

2007-06-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Beaurocrat:

Well, to add insult to injury . . .

Vonage charged the card they had on file instead of the new card I gave them, causing an inactive account to overdraft. Boo.
IU thinks I owe them $1500.00 for summer classes despite the "full scholarship" they gave me.
Still no word on that Salliemae loan.

New life plan: Run away to Thailand and become a professional kickboxer.

2007-06-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
A several part blog posting. . .

Part 1: Landlords from Hell

I know that I only have a month left to live here, but I've HAD it. I seriously want to scream.

My toilet, (which has been dripping since I moved in last August) is STILL broken. Of course, I told them that immediately - in fact, I have, according to my records (yes, I keep track) reminded them of the toilet problem 43 times since I moved in. Mind you, nothing was done about it until after they started LOOKING at their water bills instead of just absentmindedly paying them. Then all of the sudden it was an EMERGENCY that the toilet got fixed and I was yelled at for not alerting them to the problem. Riiiiiiight. So they came over, failed to fix it and instructed me to turn the water to the toilet off whenever I wasn't using it. Also, in the process, they made it stop flushing at all, which sort of made it a moot point. I called them immediately and told them that the toilet wasn't flushing at all. They said they'd be by that night to fix it. . . . well, 3 and a half weeks later, my toilet still doesn't work, despite me reminding them almost every day. I did manage to jimmy-rig the flushing mechanism, so now it sort of flushes. Luxury apartment, my ass. I have stopped turning off the water, figuring that it will get fixed only if they see the next bill.
I got yelled at for taking my trash bag out to the bin. Seriously. I cleaned out the cat boxes and as usual, took my trash to the outside bin where the trash goes. This was Monday. My Landlord came out on her porch and yells: (mind, you, I'm on the phone at the time) "You need to rearrange your trash taking out schedule so that you are only putting trash in the bin on Wednesday nights. I don't want that smelly stuff in the bin for days." "Would you rather a huge bag of cat poop sits on the carpet of your apartment all week?" "Well, no, but you can clean the cat boxes out on Wednesdays." "I clean them everyday so they don't pee on your carpet." "I don't care what you do with it, just don't put it in here until Wednesday." If I could only devise a way of running it up a flagpole. . .
They came into my apartment without telling me again. I know it was them. I had locked the door handle and knew which door I had exited out of. What sort of idiot sneaks into your apartment and deadbolts the wrong door? Mind you, these deadbolts are unlockable from the outside and only someone with a key could have unlocked the handle. If you are going to just come into my apartment, why don't you fix the stupid toilet while you are here at least?!! I called them on it, and they denied that they had been in here. Bull. Shit. In that case, I'd really like to know who else has a key to my place. . .

Part 2: Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:

Still no loan money. Still no word on when that might possibly be. I called Salliemae again and was told (AGAIN!) that this was because they had to contact the school, guarantor and lender. Apparently, contacting three companies takes over a month and a half. So, I've had to take out a bridge loan with my home bank. Pretty sad when a loan that you apply for over snailmail four weeks later comes earlier than another loan that you apply for online. Good work Salliemae. Good to know you are going to be making hundreds of dollars of this loan, but you treat me as a commodity as opposed to a customer.

Part 3: Real? Life Update:

A teapot with special meaning that I loved dearly was broken today. I cried. Also, I am now devoid of a teapot.
Still no stunt kite . . .

2007-06-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

Update on real? life:

In the last week, I have been pretty busy being a freakin' wonder woman, if I do say so myself. I made a pair of really nice twill brown pants and a pair of plaid linen capris. (Pictures to follow as soon as I remember to buy batteries for my camera.) I've been asked several times this week - "How did you learn how to sew?" My response? Be so poor that you don't have a choice. It's a good method. I think I'll write a book and make millions! It'll be called "Sewing out of Desperation - A one-step sewing method" I have a similar cookbook idea. . . "The Art to Baking Armeggeddons - How to instinctively cook for the Apolcolypse"

In other news, a few random fun things happened this week . . .

I found a place to live next year, and it's freakin' amazing!
I had a surprizingly good time at a party with friends.
Jose Z.-C. randomly called me to inform me that he was in town - and we had coffee. (I haven't talked to this guy in two years!! AMAZING!) He was my aural skills tutor my freshman year - and I can honestly say, I don't know what would have happened if not for his guidance. . .
I made beef and bean enchiladas completely from scratch (down to the flour tortillas, refried beans and sauce) and also what could be the world's most amazing beef stew. I'll give you one guess as to what was on sale at Kroger this week . . .

Anyone in the market for a blunt, strangely outgoing hermit with a cornicopia of useless talents? I've got an overstock - darn that supply and demand . . .

2007-06-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

Asinine Discoveries:
Friend Sara and I were having a crafting party the other day and listening to a radio station based around the music of Beck and Radiohead on Pandora. Naturally, Pandora was picking some pretty interesting stuff as it is wont to do. That is when we stumbled across what we both believe to be the world's most unbelievably imbecilic song: Blood Machine by Chad Vangaalen. Seriously folks, this song is so bad, it is really almost worth buying off of I-tunes. You'll get a good laugh, guaranteed. For those who are poor - try making a Pandora station devoted to it - (they'll play it at least once) - or go here for a 15 second clip.

Here are all of the lyrics in their ridiculous glory:

They had cities built there
Buried deep underground
People had their hearts plugged in
To a giant machine that can circulate blood

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine

One of them explained to me
How they used to be free
Before the machines got built
And before there were laws regulating free will

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine

Cause if one of us unplugs, everybody dies
You gotta switch the thing off from the inside
They'll kill us all

They had cities built there
Buried deep underground
People had their hearts plugged in
To a giant machine that can circulate blood

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine

Thank you Pandora. Thank you.

2007-06-08T01:09:00.000-07:00

Born under the sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:
The Curse of the School, the Guarantor, and the Lender.

In case you hadn't yet noticed the trend - this is going to be a regular feature on this blog.

For your reading pleasure, the transcript of an actual phone conversation that I had with a multitude of Sallie Mae representatives. Care has been taken to reproduce this conversation as accurately as possible. Sorry about the length, but I SWEAR it will be worth your time. It's hilarious.

I was trying to figure out what the latest hold-up was in my student loan processing, so I dialed the 800 number that was specifically listed as "Graduate Plus Loans" on the Sallie Mae website. After listening to a long automated message, entering my account number for verification and my 5 digit zip code, I was given to a customer service representative.

Lady: "Hello, can I please get your address for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. Do you want my permanent address, or my current address?"
Lady: "Madam, I just need your address to confirm that I am speaking to Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "I realize that, I just have more than one. Do you need an address in Iowa, or an address in Indiana?"
Lady: "I can't tell you that information, Madam, without first confirming your identity."
Me: "Ummmm. . .(I said my Iowa address)"
Lady: "Ok, thank you Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady: "Oh, let me transfer you to the right department. . ."

hold music. . . .

Man: "Hello, can I please get your zip code and phone number for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. (Iowa zipcode & Iowa telephone number)."
Man: "I'm sorry, that is not the information that I have listed for you. I can only speak about this account with Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "Well, I am Apkiwa, I guess I'm not sure which telephone number and zipcode you want me to give you. I have a current and a permanent residence. Is it (Indiana zipcode and telephone number)?"
Man: "Ok, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man: "Oh, I am sorry, you have the wrong department. Let me transfer you to the correct department."

hold music. . .

Lady 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and telephone number for verification?"
Me: (Date of birth and Indiana telephone number)
Lady 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady 2: "Well, from what it says on my screen, we have all of the information and you have been approved. Let me transfer you to the main loan department so they can make sure that this information is correct. . . "

hold music . . .

Man 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and address for verification?"
Me: "(date of birth and Iowa address)"
Man 2: "I'm sorry, I do not have that address listed. I can only speak to Ms. Tiafi about this account information"
Me: "Sigh. (Indiana address)"
Man 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. How - may - I - ass-ist - you (yawn) today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Yawn"
Me: "Is this the correct department?"
Man 2: "Yaw. . nyes. Can you repeat the question, please?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Ok, it says here that you have submitted all of the information and that the loan has been approved."
Me: "Ok. . .then why has the loan not been processed yet?"
Man 2: "Well, we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender and make sure that we all have the same information before we can send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "It has been two weeks. How long does that normally take?"
Man 2: "People is asking me that all the time, and I tell them, 'we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender'.
Me: "Yes, you just said that. But how long does it usually take?"
Man 2: "Well ma'am, as I said, we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender and make sure we all have the same information before we can give you the money. I don't know how long it will take."
Me: "Is there someway of telling how far in the process of contacting the other parties you are?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, I just told you - we have to contact the school, the guarantor AND the lender. That can take some time. I don't know how long, but since we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender, sometimes it can be a long time."
Me: "Is there someone there who I can talk to who can give me more information?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, your school is IU, your guarantor is blah, and your lender is Sallie Mae"
Me: "Sigh. I realize that, sir. I have the promissory note right in front of me."
Man 2: "Look ma'am, I'm just saying that we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender before the loan can go through. Then we will send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "So, you don't know how long it will take?"
Man 2: "No, we have to. . ."
Me: "I know - school, guarantor, lender. Right. Got that. And there is no one there who can give me more information or an estimate?"
Man 2: "No"
Me: "Ok, well . . . thank you for your time . . . bye."

click

For a brief while while this last man and I were talking, I could have SWORN I had gotten caught somehow in an SNL skit - but no, this is my real life in all of its glory. . .

Total time on the phone with Sallie Mae: 43 minutes, 12 seconds.

2007-06-04T01:38:00.001-07:00

Baking Armageddon! - Version 4.0:

Just got done with another amazing baking extraordinare. Yes, it's 4:30 in the morning. Take into account that I began at 8:00 pm. I was not having the greatest day and baking is quite the "Zen" activity for me. You see, while you are being productive you get to think and even get your hands dirty. . . I love it. I feel much better about life, the universe and everything.

What I made today:

Huge homemade Chicken-pot-pie.
2 ultra thin crust pizzas (homemade, o'course)
1 meatloaf
Kolache

Many of you are probably unenlightened to the utter amazingness that is Kolache. That is probably because most of you are not Czech. Kolache is a Czech (obviously) pastry that is made with a thrice risen bread outside and a fruit inside. They are not particularly sweet - more like "just right" - but oh SO very tasty. This is the second time that I have made them. They turned out great last time, but unbelievably they are even better this time around!! I'm so excited that I decided to take a picture to share with you:

Also, I would like to point out that I now have a cookie jar full of Czech pastries. Bwah ha ha ha!

Probably a few of you should journey out here to eat some of these, because it will be a very bad day for my digestive system if I actually eat them all before they go bad!

Just for fun, here are some other things that make me happy when I am having a bad day:

I have a special CD that has a brilliant slow progression of music from depressing to elated. All songs I love dearly - and therefore sing along with. It's almost impossible to be feeling down at the end.
Baking.
Riding my horse (less valid now that I get interupted by curious neighbors)
Samba
Zelda
Turning off the compy and unplugging the phone. (Which masquerades under the names "retreating to the fortress of solitude" and "rediscovering my inner hermit".) Feeling lonely feels so much better if I can tell myself that it by choice!
Making balloon animals.
Playing music not intended for bass trombone on the bass trombone. (a.k.a. the songs of Granados, Brahms clarinet sonata in Eb, and "I don't want to live on the moon".
Flying my kite.
Fishing
Climbing a tree and having a picnic at the top.

I hope you have enjoyed my "rainy day craftbox" of activities. Please, feel free to copy them when you want to have your own private pity party! :)

2007-06-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

Update!

Those recipies (with the necessary Jen-ifications, of course) were GREAT!

2007-06-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Some randomness:

Why do they seem to care so much about this? OMG! Old Melon Found!!
It's the beginning of Gattaca! Personal Human Genome Mapped
Some lawyer gets treatment resistant consumption, exposes a bunch of people to it, and is now in a hospital under ARMED GUARD. Why do I find this so amusing? Tuberculosis Guy
I am totally going to make both of these today. Awesome recipe 1 Awesome recipe 2

As cool as flying a pink Carebears delta kite is,

someone should probably buy me one of these:

That is all.

2007-05-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm feeling much better about life now:

I had IU send the stuff to Truman again, so hopefully the fourth time's the charm. We also fixed the "we don't have you registered for summer classes" problem. Hopefully that takes care of everything. We'll see.

In news that is more fun to report, however, I have the following:
Yesterday I decided to twist some balloon animals since it turned out to be insufficiently windy for kite flying and I needed to do something to release the knots of stress related tension that were overtaking me. I have decided to show my faithful readers the fruits of my labors.

Fruit number 1: Dinosaur riding a bicycle.

Fruit number 2: The most vomit-tasticly sweet balloon sculpture ever.

And Finally: This already tacky "tribute to love" is (unbelievably) made even tackier! I give you the world's stupidest hat:

Yes, yes. I know. Those of you who have seen my "artistry" in balloons before think that this is pretty sloppy work for me. Sorry. Remember - these balloons have been subjected to temps of over 100 degrees - and are well over a year old. AND I don't practice anymore. So there. We can pretend that it didn't take me about an hour to complete these . . .

2007-05-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Born under the sign of the retarded bureaucrat:
Installment eleventy billion.

The realisation of the fact that you are in a really amazingly bad position financially is never particularly easy to deal with. Especially when it is because of other people's blunders. CONSTANT blunders.

Here is a quick recap for those who were not "in-the-know" about all of the prior happenings.

Truman State University has the worst business office in history. If I was going to firebomb one building in the world - this would be it. While I was at Truman they lost my scholarship information EVERY SEMESTER (excepting one) that I was there.
I have been struggling to get them to keep my Perkins Loan deferment info in a place where they can find it.
They have called a collections agency on me, even though I have sent the deferral 3 times - one of which involved me handing it to them directly AND taking a picture of it. (Guess what they got in the mail with their latest copy of the deferral?)
Collection agency was adverted, and I was told that they would fix my credit report.

So, now for the latest installment of the mess that is my life. At least some good will come of these events as you, my dear readers, can chuckle at them. . . .

I wanted to take a class this summer (Early music history review) to get the thing out of the way. Unfortunately, I need to pay for the class - and some other assorted expenses which I don't have the money for because my personal hell of an apartment is sucking me dry. (More on that later) I found that I could get a PLUS loan if my credit report was good enough. Well, seeing as I am a very responsible person, I happen to have a GREAT credit report. Or so I thought. But as it turns out, my application was denied for two reasons:

1. Although my account on OneStart has me registered for classes and I have been assigned to an ensemble, IU told SallieMae that I was not a summer student. Umm. . . ok?
2. Truman has, miraculously, lost my Perkins Deferral information AGAIN. And reported me to the credit agency - AGAIN. Mind you, you are only supposed to have to submit this once a year . . .

So, I cannot get my PLUS loan until after I figure out what is going on with all of this bureaucratic bullshit. Who knows how long it will take to figure it out this time .

Meanwhile, my personal resources are quickly diminishing. The Oregon audition sucked me pretty dry - so I was really relying on that loan to be coming in sometime in the near future so that I could use the little money I have for things like: a. food - b. deposit on a non-hell-affiliated residence for next year. Now I really don't know what I am going to do. I have always been able to barely circumvent total financial Armageddon - hopefully history will repeat itself in my favor.

2007-05-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Two Quick Items of Business:

1. I almost hit two separate deer in completely different places on my way home at midnight. The fates are trying to get me, I think. Thank God for quick reaction times!

2. I found this advertisement for a movie on the "Simply Recipes" website. I was really struck by the sheer uselessness of the ad. Just who, precisely, do they think will be enticed to see this movie? A picture of a crying woman being hugged by another person (presumably female) - does not in and of itself tempt me to watch this movie. In addition, I've never heard of any of the actresses and as a final nail in the coffin of taste, the bottom of the ad is an annoying bright blue color with nothing on it. I'm presuming that they paid for this ad. I have some advice for the producers of this film. Fire. Your. Publicist.

I propose the following plot for this movie: (To be read with the movie trailer announcer guy's voice while imagining epic music in the back ground)

"Enter a post-apocalyptic world. A world where an alliance of fluffy bunnies rule the world with an iron fist . . . of blood. One middle aged woman is all that stands between the last stronghold of human beings and total xenocide. She has nothing to lose. This time . . . it's personal. GRACIE. (In theaters everywhere June 1)."

Thanks to friend Sara for helping with the movie plot. :)

2007-05-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, this is kind of an old post
But I found it humerous enough to post anyway now that I have the required picture to tell the story. The weekend that I went to my friend Mandy's wedding also happened to be Mother's Day weekend. Because of the theft of my wallet - I had absolutely no accessible monies with which to buy my poor mother a present. My dad had given her the pretty cool gift (for once) of a digital camera. (On a side note, my favorite "Dad gift giving blooper" is between the ScoobyDoo calendar or the paper shredder - he is not usually very good at this game. . .) Mom was really excited about it, but lamented the fact that it did not come with a carrying case. Then the fates revealed to me that I could, in fact, get her a mother's day present - because I, dear readers, am a crocheting animal.
So on our way out of town, we stopped at Walmart and I had her pick out and (unfortunately) buy a skein of yarn, which I then turned into the amazing camera carrying case you see below:

And yes, she picked the camo yarn. Only my mother. . . ;)

2007-05-26T23:16:00.001-07:00

A Few Random Thoughts:

First and foremost on this list is the strange fact that I again am faced with not being able to sleep in my own apartment. I'm not really sure why, but coming home at night in and of itself has been causing me a considerable amount of trepidation all week - not to mention sleeping at night. Nothing has really changed since then - the landlords still occasionally come in unannounced, etc - but it is no more than usual. I have no idea why I have suddenly had this increase in paranoia. Current sleeping strategy - watch funny videos until I literally can't hold my eyes open anymore. Unfortunately lack of sleep is seriously starting to effect my mood.
I shampoo-ed my carpets in the downstairs portion of my home today - compliments of Brett a) loaning me the machine to do it with and b) moving my furniture around for me. They were DISGUSTING. I'm probably going to do it all again once it dries. You should have seen the color of that water. Seriously gross. A thought - there were two stains that were in the rug when I moved in. Supposedly, the carpets had been "professionally cleaned" when I moved in - amazing how a 120 dollar 12 volt Bissell vacuum can magically get both of them out without a problem. Riiiight. I LOVE it here.
Went fishing. Caught nothing other than very small bluegills. Boo. Although I did find out that my fishing poll has this annoying habit of coming apart and launching the top half along with the lure. I had to go into the lake after it not once - but twice. Magical.
Exercised. My body already hates me for it. Oh well. Every journey must begin with a single step - or in this case, an ill-advised flying leap.

2007-05-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Highlights from the rest of the Oregon Trip:

Getting the hang of public transport = magic.
Ended up practicing in the classrooms at Portland State University, using the chalkboard for a stand.

Audition Highlights:

What a well run audition! They had no uber room, only individual warmup rooms - which was nice. Of course, you still had to put up with the jerk in the room next to you who was intentionally playing everything you played - only louder and faster. Guys - seriously!
Turns out I was the only girl at the audition. There were probably 75 or so folks there. I found this out immediately when I walked in, didn't say a word, and the guy said - "OH - YOU must be Jennifer!".
When the gal (my age or younger) came to get me from my audition room, she said to me:

"Oh!! You're the girl! I'm so excited that you came. There was supposed to be one other girl yesterday, but she called and cancelled! It must suck being the only girl in a whole audition - I mean, I felt like it was stressful on me to win a job and I just play horn!"

I mumbled something incoherent, because I was pretty nervous already (I was about to go on stage) and then she continues, saying:

"Yeah, there sure aren't many girls in brass sections in the world, espcially not in low brass - I hope you win!!"

Then the proctor came to get me and she said:

"Good luck - win this one for the girls!"

Yeah, thanks - HELPFUL.

We walked to the stage, where the proctor pulled me aside and said:

"It is VERY important that you MAKE SURE to stay on that carpet. You are the only girl in this audition, and you aren't going to clomp as much as the big guys who have been playing here today. We put that carpet down just for you to make sure that they couldn't tell who you were"

I mean, realize that if I was a real professional who was in control of my emotions and their effect on my product that this wouldn't have mattered at all - but for the love of God, this was my first audition! Are they all going to be like this?

Needless to say, I did not pass the prelims. I mean, I managed to make it through without missing any notes (although I had a little nervous vibrato on my quiet excerpt and the tone in general was a little special) I did get to play all but one excerpt, which as I hear was more than most got to play. So maybe that's a good sign . . . it's really kinda hard to know since apparently no one from the whole day advanced. (This is what I've been told - certainly no one in my group, Sean's group or Brett's group did)

Highlights from after Audition Madness:

Sake bombs.
Soap fight.
Guy and girl got arrested in the hotel room next to us. We have no idea why.
Met a hypnotist/illusionist from London on the plane - weird!
And some guy was getting arrested at the Indy airport or something when we were leaving. He was standing there, and the cops kept on increasing. Which was weird, because they were just calmly talking it seemed - but they kept calling for backup. Unfortunately (fortunately?) our bus came before we could see the thrilling conclusion.

So now I'm back home again. My cats missed me, which is uber cute. And in other news, today I bought a fishing license. Which will be happy as soon as I find someone to go fishing with! More on that later. . .

2007-05-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Highlights from Day One in Oregon:

Random fetus of some sort of mammalian creature in the middle of the road! Totally strange.
Secret ghrotto. (Not really a secret - was "The Ghrotto" or a huge shrine to the virgin Mary.) Summed up in three words: Rainforest. Pachelbel's Canon.
Cookies.
Crazy bus ladies who yell at the driver.
Lost in Portland.
Practice.
BED.

2007-05-18T15:27:00.001-07:00

Sierra's Most Favorite Day EVER!!

Ok, that's a sarcastic comment if I ever saw one. I've been putting off doing a lot of summer-y type things to my horse until I had help and had the time. Today, I realized that it was never going to work out like that, so I decided to take my life in my hands and attempt to do everything without a spotter. As you can see, I clearly survived because I have the world's most amazing horse. For reals.

Here is the list of things that I subjected my horse to today:

Vaccinated for Tetanus, Encephalomyelitis, Influenza (both eastern and western) and Rabies. Yes, that involves me giving a 1500 lbs. animal 2 shots. Luckily, he didn't move an inch. (Those of you who knew Sierra a few years ago will most likely be completely shocked by that - but it's true.)
Then I dewormed him. (Involves stuffing a paste tube down his throat and forcing him to swallow it)
Then I bathed him with Dove Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner. The hose was only 3 feet long because this is the most poorly conceived barn in the history of mankind. It is kind of like DEATH in the Terry Pratchett novels - they have seen enough barns to know what it should LOOK like - but don't understand how they are used, so they mess it up and make it completely unusable. I managed to get him to stand right next to the hose and stand still, thank God.
THEN I bathed him with a Providone-Iodine scrub to treat the minor bacterial infection that I found on his butt and backlegs. Damn warm climates. . . .
As if that wasn't traumatic enough for a horse, I then subjected him to a sheath cleaning. Those of you who have never heard of this - just think about it for awhile. It is my most favorite thing to do - and his, believe me. (Again with the sarcasm)
After this, I rounded his hoofs off with a hoof file file and moisturized them since it has been very muddy out lately.
And trimmed his bridal path.
Brushed out his mane and tail . . .
For a finale, I then pulled out 6 ticks that had embeded around his anus and treated it so it wouldn't get infected.

He was so relieved when I turned him loose, the poor guy! He was a real sport though. He was ALMOST entirely perfect - and didn't even kill me or him when the gate came off it's hinges and fell on us. (best barn ever!!!)

2007-05-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

Received in the mail today:
One wallet with accompanying note saying one word. "Sorry"
I seriously have the weirdest life.

2007-05-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

The world's newest super hero! Sworn to stop the world from listening to poorly played trombone.
Go Here to make your own!

2007-05-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Minnesota Trip - Second Installment:

Why do I have a knack for finding myself in the most absurd situations? It wouldn't be my life if there weren't a few more amazing anecdotes to tell.
So, I went to my friend Mandy's wedding. Back in February, Mandy had asked if I would like to help out by being in charge of the guestbook at her wedding. I told her that I'd love to. Nothing else was ever mentioned, so I sort of wondered if she had forgot or what. Never-the-less, I decided to show up about 40 minutes early to the ceremony to make sure that it was taken care of.

When I got there - I noticed that someone was working the guest book table already. I walked up to them and asked - "Oh, are you in charge of the guest book?" "Yes," they said. Ok. I figure that she was stressed out with wedding planning stuff and forgot she asked me. No worries. I waved at her mom as I went to go see some friends that I hadn't seen in 7 years. (TOTALLY AWESOME, BTW) We sit and talk and do some catching up - and then it's wedding time. Hurrah! We open the program to see the order of the service which is when something horrifying is drawn to my attention by my mother. It says "Attendant to the bride" with my name next to it.

I suddenly feel very ill.

We watch the wedding party get seated - and then Mandy comes up (completely drop dead gorgeous) with her dad. We make eye contact and I see her point me out to her dad. A look of relief comes over her face.

I feel even more ill. Of course, I had not been asked to be an attendant to the bride, but even so, I just felt horrible!

The wedding was over by 4:00 and the reception wasn't until 7:00 - so I got to feel completely horrible that whole time, trying to figure out what I was going to say to poor Mandy. Finally, reception time comes. After a couple of hours, I was able to finally get her alone for a few moments. I apolgized profusely for not being there.
"I was just really worried," she said.
I said, "Did you mean to send a request for me to be your attendant with the invite? Because I honestly had no idea you wanted me to do that!"
She gave me a quizzical look and said. "Oh, it's ok, we just got someone from my mom's work to do the guestbook."
"Oh!" I exclaimed, "I knew about that! But when I came 40 minutes early and someone was already working it, I assumed you had forgotten you asked me!"
"You were there 40 minutes early?!" she says, "My mom was freaking out because she didn't see you anywhere!!"

Now, for those of you who have ever seen pictures of me, you will know that I completely change appearances every couple of years. Her mom hadn't seen me in 5 years - so she didn't recognize me at all until she saw me with my mom in the reception.

So anyway - what a mess! Turns out it had been written wrong in the program, too. Sigh. Drama. It follows me, I swear.

Other things that follow me:
Spiders. I HATE spiders. I'm ok with them as long as they are in their little corner doing their bug-eating thing - but NO - they need to be on my person. That's why I hate them.

I was at my parent's place and since my little brother is home for the whole summer, they gave him the guest room (my old room) - which meant that I got the little computer room in the basement. Last night it was about a billion degrees downstairs, so I opened the window and turned on a fan. I left for a few hours, and then came back down to practice. At which point I noticed the brown recluse on my sheets. EEEWWW. Luckily, there just happened to be a mini Louisville Slugger right next to the bed. So I smashed it's brains out. I decided thereafter to wash the sheets on the bed. Good thing I did - I found another spider after it fell all crunchy and dead off of the sheets when I took it out of the dryer. ICK! Then I went into the room to make the bed - and noticed 3 huge icky spiders in the window. That's when I closed the window . . .
I had dreams all night of spiders crawling on me. NOT COOL.

Needless to say, it feels good to be home. Really good. My cats, my clean and nice smelling apartment, food that I like and can eat in the fridge, my Lactaid Milk, my 400 thread count sheets. . . ahhhhh. Even though I hate it out here on the farm, I must say that it seems pretty great to come home to my own way of life again after staying everwhere else and being in a car for 30 hours over the last 4 days.

Aaaahhhhhh. . . .

2007-05-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

Magical Trip to Minnesota 1st Installment:
I've had an eventful couple of days. My wallet was stolen on Tuesday night, so of course my entire Wednesday was consumed by calling to replace every card in my wallet. Charming.
Naturally, this occurs the day before I'm planning to drive to Minnesota for a wedding. Travelling without any forms of ID or credit cards? Sounds great! Where do I sign up?
Meanwhile, back at the Tuba Ranch, exciting things were going on . . .
My vacuum cleaner literally exploded when I was cleaning up to leave. And I don't mean that the bag was too full - I mean with FIRE. Then my wireless router followed suite - only without an explosion or fire. By which I mean it just stopped working.
After finally getting my house clean, I went to IUCU to get some money out of the bank - we decided that the best way to do it would be to buy a VISA giftcard which works like a debit card. I took out 50 bucks to use for gas - which should have been plenty. (Note the use of foreshadowing)
Then driving . . . driving . . . and more driving. But stopping to practice every couple of hours in the reststops. Great if you want people to clap when you are done playing your orchestral excerpts. I don't know how many of you have ever driven across Illinois. I'll describe it perfectly in one statement: "206 miles of amazingly flat, boring cornfields"
I get to Peoria, IL and decide to get some gas since I'm down to a little under half a tank. Card is declined. Turns out, gas stations put a service charge on debit gift card fills at a station to "prevent fraud". They put a 30 dollar "service charge" on my 20 dollar purchase. Magical. How was I supposed to know that?!
Now, remember everyone - Jen does not have a cell phone. Now what? I still have 3 hours of driving and less than half a tank! I have a checkbook, but I can't find a place that will take a check without an ID - which of course, was stolen as well.
So no money, no phone, in the middle of Illinois. Special. I LOVE my magical ability to find situations like this.
So. . . I decide to drive to the next available reststop because those seem to be the only places left in the world with payphones. I have the idea to drive within an hour of home and have my dad meet me to buy me some gas. But first - getting ahold of them. . .
So, I decide to make a collect call. I try 3 times from the *11 number - and for some reason, it keeps saying that the party denied my request. Thinking that there must be something wrong with the number, I try to call with the Verison number that I see attached to the phone. This time, I hear who is picking up - my 12 year old brother, Tim. This is when I realized what was happening. I heard the voice say "to accept this call press one or say "YES" - to deny this call please just hang up." I can almost hear the sweat dripping down Tim's face as he is trying to figure out why this call keeps coming back and wondering what he is supposed to say. He hangs up.
But now, I have a plan.
I call again and Tim got a message that said. . .
"This is Verison with a collect call from 'TIM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PRESS ONE!!' He pressed one.
So end of story - got ahold of my dad - he came and rescued me in Monmouth, IL. Fun times.

2007-05-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

This will come as no surprise to most of you - but I'm pretty much a failure at life. In a comical/hopefully lovable sort of way, mind you.

I went out for some drinks with an interesting guy I met over the weekend. But me, being of course - me, had to randomly throw some hilarious bloopers into the mix.
Things were going pretty well and all, and then we decided to leave the bar and do something fun. We had discovered that hiking, etc was a common interest - so we thought that we'd head to Lake Monroe and hike some trails. First, we stop at our respective places to get appropriate attire (my place is still in post finals chaos - oops!) Then we get in the car to go to Lake Monroe. We get there - and the patrol is actually in his office. At 11:00 at night. Well, shit. We could get arrested because the park is closed.
So, we decide to drive all the way back and hike from my place to the lake. Which is when we realize how astonishingly dark it is outside. The moon, although quite full, was not out at all. AT ALL. It was so dark, I couldn't even find the entrance to the trail. Oh - and we, intelligently enough, had no flashlights, and no compass or GPS unit. We walked into the woods - and I realized very quickly how likely we were to get lost. Well, damn. Back to the messy house that for some weird reason smells strongly now of nail polish. . .
So we shared funny YouTube clips (on a side note, it's kind of funny how this has become a bonding type experience in our generation . . .) and talked. Then he mentioned that he was tired and wanted to go home. I thought nothing of it. We looked at each other - nothing happened. I wondered why he wasn't leaving. Was he expecting me to say or do something? There was a pregnant sort of pause and he says. . .
"Um, so . . . can you give me a ride home then?"
Which is when I realized that I had driven him to my place.

Sheesh. No wonder I have such a ridiculous romantic life!

2007-04-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

So, last night after the Big Band Extravaganza, I did a very inadvisable thing. My mom and brother were in town, and they are really big geocachers. (For you geocaching muggles out there, geocaching is like going on a treasure hunt with a GPS device - usually in the woods) There are several caches in close proximity to my place, so we thought it would be good fun to go out and look for them. I called friend Sara, and we all decided to go out to Lake Monroe to Walk Pate Hollow trail and look for caches with delightful names like "Master Pater."

Now, here is the clincher - we LEFT at 1 am, and then proceeded to walk 5 miles of trail. In the wee small hours of the morning. This morning, my body hates me for two separate and distinct reasons.

Reason 1: I walked 5 miles last night.
Reason 2: We got home at 5:30 am. 5:30 AM!!
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.

2007-04-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a random call that I got today from a number that is my Dad's cell number. This, however, was most certainly NOT my Dad. Nor were there any references to ANYTHING that had anything to do with anything. AND my Dad apparently has his cell phone. Seriously weird, yo.

"Hi it's me, ummm. . .
It is extremely windy here. There is dust . .everywhere... trees down . .everywhere, including. . . . ours. A major half, uh, of the tree in the front came down. . . just twenty minutes ago. Scared the shit out of the cats. uh. Found mickey under my comforter in the bed. Uh. I arrived like five minutes after it happened. Uh. Izzy seemed to take it in stride - but he was under the covers and theres a whole entire front yard is covered in tree. And The city says it might be a day or two before they get out because they have trees downall over the city. So it looks like, well, man, um of course what that means is that I'll have to use more air conditioning this summer - because there goes my shade. . . .
anyway. . . . . . . talk to you later . . . bye"

Who the HELL is that?? How are they using my Dad's number? WHY are they calling me?!

I think the aliens are onto me. . .

2007-04-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

Why do they add so much sugar to instant oatmeal packets? I have to add another packet of plain just to make it edible. Maybe I should get get plain.
Food for thought . . .

In other news,
I found myself deeply amused today by a high school conversation I saw on Facebook between my brother and a few of his friends that have, for some reason, decided to add me as their friends. One of them posted one of those stupid chainmail things that tries to use God as leverage to get you to perpetuate the email. Of course, this is the sort of post that has a whole list of obvious rhetorical questions posing as deep and profound thoughts - and then says things like, "of course, only people who really love God will send this on - remember God is watching you!"
And, of course, this makes a few people pretty upset.
My brother starts ranting about how a post like that is SPAM - and spamming is ILLEGAL - and God would NEVER want you to go something illegal.
Then an emo kid decides to answer all of the rhetorical questions "a-la-nietzsche".
Ahhh... the sweet smell of drama in the morning.
I will LOVE to see how far this goes.

2007-04-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I last posted because life sort of just exploded at me. Which is fun?

Here is the skinny on the thoughts currently occupying my mind:

A 24% tuition increase is cramping my style for next semester - I'm not sure I'll be coming back to IU because I'm sort of spent on the whole loan thing. Won't know for sure if I will be here until April 27th.
I absolutely hate where I live. It's a constant source of drama and general stress.
My horse has been mysteriously losing weight, I can't quite figure out why. To date I have spent a few hundred dollars thus far with things like getting his teeth floated, etc.
Due to the high cost of where I am currently living and the sudden horse expenses, I have no money for things - like food.
I sprained both ankles last week.
I got hit by a car in a parking lot thursday and my left knee hurts now to compliment the ankles. (Hit and run, of course)
Boys. Enough said.
20 page paper due.
2 Professional auditions coming up next month. (Oregon and Honolulu)
Recital in three weeks.

So.. basically, I'm going crazy constantly. It's not like my life is BAD right now - it's just stressful. Really unbelievably stressful. And it's sort of affecting my productivity and my relationships.
I'll post soon on the hilarious saga that is my less-than-romantic life. Should be good for a laugh or three.

2007-02-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

Uh Oh - A SEMI-SERIOUS POST.

Funny how a random fun conversation with a group of friends can lead to the dredging up of emotions that you were unaware you were still harboring. I had a conversation like that tonight with a group of friends over drinks. You get to talking about your social life - your love life - etc. And it's fun. You make jokes, you laugh, you all learn a little more about each other. All around a good time.
But what happens when you go home?
Talking about one's past or one's habits invites recollection of the past. Which is something that I general tend not to dwell on. Starting the conversation - no matter how sterile it actually is with the present company, begins the thought processes that never really got mulled over. It invites a re-examination of how you got where you are emotionally, socially and romantically. I also tend to avoid this train of thought - because I find it painful.
But the point is that I didn't KNOW that I found it painful until this evening. I feel confused by this. I feel in general confused by myself.
For example - why do I ultimately hate being alone? Anymore, I can't stand to be by myself. And I don't know why. It makes no sense to me and it doesn't seem to fit into my personality.
Is it because I am an extreme extrovert? (even though I prefer to be at home with no neighbors?) Or is it because I am used to not having to be alone due to close friends and significant others who filled my life? Or is it just that I had at one time in my life made a decision that would mean that I would never be alone when I went home and now I have made a decision that negates that one without having a strong support group around me, so I am trying to rely on folks I hardly know to fill that hole?
I have no answers. But I do dread coming home to an empty apartment in the middle of nowhere and I don't know why. It was supposed to be a sanctuary. . .
Anyway,
The end of this story -
Coming home from this fun outing with my friends. . . I cried the whole way home experiencing a well of unexpressed emotions that I was unaware I even had inside me.
Seriously weird.
As Carl Lenthe would say - Food for Thought.

2007-01-30T23:04:00.000-08:00

Stupidest. Cat. Ever.
My cat Milhaud is perhaps the stupidest cat that I have ever met in my life. He has no coordination, no sense of balance and absolutely no sense of "cause and effect" what-so-ever. So basically, I have a clutzy cat that has a hard time learning the household rules. Just trying to get him to stay out of the kitchen sink has been a chore! Most cats learn if you squirt them with the sink hose a couple of times to stay away. Not Milhaud. He doesn't like water - yet he doesn't seem to understand that he is getting squirted every time he goes near the sink.
Another fun method is to gently toss the cat 10 or so feet every time they get near. He came back Fourty two times.

Here is the only video proof that I have of his stupidity to date:
Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qZvyNt-VYE

2007-01-26T13:29:00.000-08:00

I am a terribly lazy and cheap human being. Currently, I could be driving home - enjoying my nice warm apartment and playing Zelda. Or I could be practicing. What am I doing instead? Writing a blog post in the school library to occupy my time until someone with a car shows up on Google Chat that I can coerce into giving me a ride home.

You make ask yourself - "Jen, why don't you just drive yourself home?" Well - I decided that I liked sleep this morning and had to drive to school instead of catching the bus. When this happens, I have to park in the Jordan parking lot to make it to class on time. (I have to leave my apartment about half an hour early as opposed to an hour early to make this happen.) And you see, the Jordan lot charges by the hour. By the time I was able to leave, I had racked up 20 bucks in parking charges. DAMN.

However, I do know that they just open the gates after a certain time (11:00 pm on most days) and you won't have to pay. I know that it is earlier than 11:00 pm on Fridays - but I'm not sure exactly when this is. So, here I am. Wasting precious time because I'm too cheap to leave and too lazy to practice or study scores for my classical history class. I am excellent at this graduate school thing.

***************

In other news related to laziness. I have recently discovered that I am probably the least efficient human being alive.

Here is the event that alerted my attention to this problem:

I was playing Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess the other night while talking to friends on Google chat - which is my favorite form of procrastination. One of my friends happened to ask what I was doing on the Zelda game. It was then that I realized that actually, I was currently trying to get my character to walk backwards in metal boots across the entirety of Hyrule field. For absolutely no reason. What kind of person can't even be productive in a video game?! Here I should be trying to save Hyrule - but NOOOO - I choose to do things like:

Trying to walk and change my boots at the same time.
Cut all of the grass in Hyrule field.
Roll across all of Lake Hylia in metal boots.
Look at every picture in every house in every town.
Watch the clouds for 20 minutes to see if there are any interesting shapes/changes in the weather.
Dive off of a cliff just to see if I am allowed to do it. (Also applies to jumping into lava)

The best part? I've not even defeated the game yet. Good thing no one is really counting on me to save the world. . .

2007-01-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Hurray! Today is my birthday!

2007-01-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat
Installment 2

THEY LOST MY ENTRANCE EXAM. OMG.

2007-01-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat
That's what one of my friends deems only explanation for the stream of absolutely ridiculous red tape that I continue to encounter on almost a day to day basis. I've decided that this will be a regular section on this blog - because if I am going to have to go out of my way to avert this red tape B.S. then SOMEONE should at least get some amusement from it. . .

The latest fiasco:

Registration at Indiana University.
Compounded by the administration building at Truman State University.

Graduated from Truman in August - paid 25 dollars for my final transcripts to be mailed to Indiana University.
Get to Indiana University and realise they have not yet mailed said transcripts.
Call Truman - they say that 1 month is needed. Relay this info to Indiana University.
2 months go by. . . . nothing happens, I assume that no further action is needed.
Time to register for classes! Go to get my program planning sheet signed and am informed that I have a hold on my account (that does not appear online).
Have to call registrar's office to figure out why the hold. Guess what?! No Transcripts!
Cannot submit planning sheet and therefore register until after transcripts are received.
Call Truman. Yell. They tell me that they will send them right away. It's been really busy. Fine.
Try to register again 2 weeks later. Still no transcripts.
Call Truman. Again. Yell. Again. "We never received a transcript request from you". What?! I have a receipt! "That must be from something else." What then. "We don't know." Fine. Can I pay you to mail them now? "No, you have to mail us a form because we need your signature on it." Fine.
Print out, fill out and mail transcript form to Truman. Pay another 30 dollars for transcripts and overnight shipping fee to Indiana University.
Another week goes by. Finally, Indiana University receives my transcripts! Too bad the semester is over.
Submit my program planning sheet on the last day they are open before Christmas.
It's approved! Hooray! Rejoice! But wait! Oh no. . . . I have 2 holds on my account that will prevent me from registering. One with the registrar and one with the bursar. And the offices won't be open until January 2nd. Great.
Look at my bursar account (which I couldn't access because of the transcript hold until now) It says that I have a past due balance (doesn't say on what) and that it has been there since the semester "Beginning of Time". WHAT?!
Wait. Wait. Wait.
January 2nd! Hooray! I will be able to register today. Oh no.... that never happens. Ever.
Call bursar's office at 3:50ish. On hold for 10ish minutes. Finally someone. Why is there a hold on my account? "Oh, you had a parking ticket from August." Why didn't anyone tell me? "We should have sent you a bill". Riiiight. I may have noticed that. Nope. "Well, I don't know what to tell you". Ditto. Ok, fine. I'll pay it. Can I pay it now? "Well, actually, our money processing abilities end at 4:00 although we are open until 5:00. You can submit the payment online - but it won't get processed until Wednesday night at 12:00 am." (Mind you the 4th is the last day to register.) Fine. Fine, Fine, FINE.
Slam phone down.
Decide to call registrar and see what the hold is. Suspect that it is nothing more than the bursar's fine again.
"Oh yes, you have a past due payment with the bursar. " Ok, I just took care of that. "Oh wait, there is something else here too." Oh no. What now?
"We need you to fill out a card detailing your ethnic background before you can register." You have got to be kidding me. "Oh, well. . . we have to give that information to the government. You should have filled that out with your application to the University, but you didn't" It said it was optional and that I didn't have to fill it out if I didn't feel comfortable. "Oh yes. Someone really should change that." What if I DON'T feel comfortable with releasing that information? "Well, you can come to the Registrar's office and fill out a special form that says that you don't feel comfortable. We need your signature on the form though." Wait - how is that not my application? Why didn't the application cover that? "It's just the way we need to do things here." Why wasn't I told about this? "You should have been sent an email about it a few months ago." Now, I KNOW I would remember something as stupid as that. Well fine - can I come in and fill out the form today? "Actually, we closed at 4:00." But it says online that you are open until 5:00. "That's the phone service desk." Oh. Fine. Whatever.
So, I guess I'll still have a few steps tomorrow. But this was too great not to post right now.

2007-01-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

Adventures in Boredomland
Well, this has been a rather exciting week for me. Not because I actually DID anything.. but because I really DIDN'T do a blasted thing. I had a really bad ear infection and couldn't play the trombone, so I decided to take time off and do the things that I've been wanting to do.
Here is a list of things that I did with my free time:

I created a replica of my horse Sierra. For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of my horse next to a picture of the replica: Yes, that is real hair from my actual horse on that replica.

How long has this been on my want -to-do list? 2 years.

Milhaud! NOOOO!! Run Sierra, Run!

I also made Kolache - a Czech pastry. Amusingly enough, I thought that this had been a family recipe - turns out, it was a recipe modified by my Grandmother that she got out of a Betty Crocker cookbook. Oh well. Despite that slight let down, the recipe remains the "Holy Grail" of my family cooking. When I called and asked for the recipe, both my mother and grandmother expressed disbelief at my abilities to make this dish. Well, here it is - proof that they turned out.

How long has this been on my want-to-do list? - 6 years. It felt good. Also tasted good.

In other news:

I was able to play the new Zelda game that my brother got me for Christmas. Hopefully, I will be able to resist the urge to play it incessantly.

I cleaned my kitchen. Really well.

Yeah... that's pretty much all I've done this week. I can't even begin to express to you how good it feels to have had a vacation! Ahhhhhh.

2006-12-26T19:57:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Benton!

So, I decided to make a cute little stall plaque for the one poor horse (Benton) that lives in the barn by himself. None of the other horses come in at night... so it seems kind of strange to me that MY horse who never comes in has this beautiful little stall plaque that my cousin made for me... but Benton has no such sign on his stall.

Anyway.. I thought that it would be a good idea to make Benton a little sign with his name on it to match Sierra's... How hard could it be? Well, if there is one thing that I should know about myself by now.. it is that I am NOT a perfectionist . . . well . . . at least not when it comes to arts and crafts.

When I finished, I thought it looked pretty good and all . . . but when I took it outside and hung it on Benton's stall, I realized that actually, it looked pretty second rate as long as there was Sierra's to compare it to. Oh well.

So I thought that I would post some pictures so that you can compare and contrast:

Sierra's Plaque:

Made of nice quality wood
Wood has been polished and lacquered
Handsome Brass Hangings
Cute pose for horse
Name in professional looking letters

Benton's Plaque:

Made of wood literally pulled out of a dumpster because it was the right size
Wood has been sloppily sanded to prevent splinters, but not polished or lacquered.
Handsome nails pounded into the top of the plaque with yarn tied around it for hangings. Works fine now.. but they'll have to CUT that off the stall.
Horse was in quarter horse pose.. but when compared to the Sierra plaque he just looks sad or lethargic.
Letters look vaguely like someone printed "BENTON" out of Microsoft Word in Times New Roman font, then traced the letters . . . poorly . . . onto the plaque

Oh well . . . supposedly it is the thought that counts. Hopefully they like it.
Merry Christmas, Benton!

2006-12-25T18:50:00.000-08:00

Highlights From Christmas in Iowa

Presents
My brother John gave me a "Make Your Own Murder Scene Kit". It included two kitchen knifes, a box of chalk to with which to make a body outline, and four packets of Wendy's catsup for fake blood. I also managed to get THREE... yes THREE oven mitts.

When we called my Grandparents Cherveny to wish the folks in Minnesota a Merry Christmas, I was asked if I had gotten my Christmas card from Grandma and Grandpa. Well, I had.. but it had been unsigned and without the check that Grandma SWEARS she put in it. HA! She spent the next 10 minutes making everyone in Minnesota check their cards to see if she had put two checks in theirs. Yes, Grandma is starting to show her age. . .

Fun and Games

And finally . . . another Christmas, another messed up game of Balderdash. Why one of our family traditions is to play a game that rewards those who are the best at the B.S? . . . One could not say, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Here are some of my favorite responses from this year's verbal battle:

Q: What does N.A.L.G. stand for?
Mom: The National Association of Gorillas Intellectual.
John: Never Ask Indigenous Giraffes (for directions)
Me: National Amiable League of Garotters

Q: What is the plot of "Beyond the Doors"?
John: A Nuclear power plant lets out radiation which infects a small garden where the vegetables came to life and have to fight off rabbits.

Q: What is the plot of "The Cow"?
Paul: A cow turns into a serial killer in New York City, but manages to escape the local police.

Q: What is the plot of "The Terror of Tiny Town"?
Me: A Christmas Special parody where the elven residents of Tiny Town are attacked by a venomous fanged beast from hell.

Q: In Oklahoma it is still illegal to destroy. . . ?
John: A hornet's nest with your bare hands.
Correct Answer: Another man's melons at night.

Q: What is the plot of "Wild Women of Wongo"?
Dad: Part 7 of the "Girls Gone Wild" series.
Me: In this comical version of an ancient Greek myth, Hercules must travel to the island of Wongo to stop its women from turning into murderous walruses.

Q: Who is Marta Espina?
Correct Answer: 75 year old lady who was accidentally killed by a poodle after it fell out of an apartment balcony and landed on her head.

Q: Who was Max Kiss?
Me: Man who evaded authorities for two weeks after escaping from prison by hiding in a dead moose.
John: ARG! There's a rabid hibiscus plant eating my leg! The pain! The pain! Oh... look.... a nice shiny quarter. (My favorite response of all night)

By the way, when it comes to the game of B.S, I am usually the definitive winner. This game was no different. I wonder what this says about me. . . ?

2006-12-18T21:31:00.000-08:00

How to make your very own copy of the world's most ghetto microphone stand in nine easy steps!!

Step One:
Be very very poor and unable to find a microphone stand within your budget. (Under 15 dollars)
Step Two:
Drive to Lowe's and wander around looking for things that you might potentially use for a mic stand.
Step Three:
Settle on a PVC pipe and five gallon bucket.
Step Four:
Cut a PVC pipe sized hole in the bucket.
Step Five:
Stuff PVC pipe and dirty laundry into the bucket. (To prevent the PVC pipe from moving around too much)
Step Six:
Apply Masking Tape to the junction of pipe and bucket.
Step Seven:
Put mic holder into PVC pipe.
Step Eight:
Realize that mic holder is too narrow.
Step Nine:
Wrap the mic holder in a super absorbent "Feminine Napkin" and replace into PVC pipe.

Huzzah! You have just created your very own completely ghetto mic stand! Total cost - six dollars. Total awesome - immeasurable.

2006-12-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Self 1,

Sorry for the Dear John, but Self 2 and I think that it's time that we parted ways. Self 2 and I have been doing fine on our own without you - and in fact, we have been realizing more and more how much you are getting in the way of our success and happiness.
We thank you for all the good times that we've had. Well actually, now that I think about it, we really haven't had any "Good Times". All of our "times" have been at our expense! You know, the preventing us from playing the trombone well with your incessant prattle ("Don't screw up! Don't be distracted!") - the telling us that we don't really have any friends - the telling us that we are pretty much doing nothing of any value on a day to day basis. You know, although in some of these instances you are probably right, it doesn't mean that we want to hear about it nonstop all day long. It prevents Self 2 and I from doing anything useful or meaningful when you start your inane yakking. It prevents us from getting a full nights rest because you won't even shut up at night - and we've had it!
Self 2 has been feeling especially put off by you. She tries so hard to just do what she is good at. But it's kind of hard for her to do anything right with you looking over her shoulder and shouting the wrong commands at the top your lungs. She is afraid that you make her look bad. And she's right, you make us BOTH look bad. That's just annoying, OK?
So in conclusion, we think that's it's best that we just go our separate ways like responsible adults. That is why Self 2 and I have filed for a divorce from you. We are filing under "irreconcilable differences". You can still have custody of the cat every other weekend if you so choose.

Cordially,
Apkiwa and Self 2

2006-11-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

What is this even supposed to stand for? Rotten Bench? Rotund Bunch? Why bother?

Drivers I encountered today on an Indiana freeway:

The person with no driving skills who is only alive because of the good driving skills (and graces) of those around him.
The "perpetually adjusting the radio or dialing the cell phone and diving into your lane" person.
The road hog
The "I'm going to tailgate you for 20 miles for no apparent reason - even though I can go around you" person.
The ever professional person who is driving a limo all the way from Indianapolis to Bloomington like they could be sued at any moment. A note to whoever was riding in the limo - In case you were unaware, limos are really worthless displays of supposed wealth - especially when it's a crappy one. Are you trying to prove and/or compensate for something? Congrats man, I'll take a car - thanks.
The Ford Windstar that speeds and rides your tail until you get out of the way. Upon further inspection, you realize that this is because they have 4 unruly kids in the back seat who refuse to be entertained by the DVD player.
The "I am old and thus must drive 30 miles an hour in a 70 mile an hour zone and cause people to almost crash into me" person.
The traffic weaver who is not happy with going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit like everyone else. Therefore, he MUST endanger the lives of everyone by squeezing his sport car into barely sport car fitting places. Inappropriate!! You are NOT a NASCAR driver, buddy. Really.
The sports fan coming home from watching some game or another - holding a flag out the window and sticking his head out into oncoming traffic. Safe.
Random speed man.
Random crazy aggressive driving man - who comes up on you really quickly from behind, and then cuts a few cars off desperately trying not to crash into you (who are going 10 over the speed limit already). After cutting everyone off, honking, flipping people off and throwing a milkshake out the window at a poor sap who got into the way (causing a whole new danger as it hit the windshield) - he slows down to about five UNDER the speed limit, and everyone has to pass him again. Woah.

In summary - I really don't like driving. Well, actually, I don't like OTHER people driving. I would be totally cool with driving if no one else was ever on the road!

2006-11-15T22:13:00.000-08:00

List of things that I am currently dissatisfied with:

Those tiny little purse umbrellas - cute, but ultimately not going to keep you dry.
The color black - I have and wear WAY too much of it.
Skirts that are supposed to touch the ground but don't if you are six feet tall.
2 inch heels - ouch.
Why are people still wearing those stupid ugly boots?
Spandex - is kind only to small Asian girls.
Hollywood - obsessed with sex
Pop music - obsessed with sex
Pop Culture - obsessed with sex
Non-stick cookware that doesn't work - no! my beautiful brownies!
Scientology - WTF?
Halibut steaks
Gas - both the kind my car eats and the kind that I have.
Old tooley pickups that only sort of run
Fast food

Things I am currently in love with:

John Stewart
Steven Colbert
Brownies
Curry
Bollywood
Ambivalence
Tea
The color orange
The color purple
Hippos, penguins and aardvarks
Blogging
Arby's Chicken Salad (only fast food exception)
Goldfish crackers in your salad - completely and totally awesome.

2006-11-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched a standup comic and thought - how on earth does this guy make a living? Whenever I watch a television broadcast of a standup comic, I always wonder why the people in the audience are actually laughing. Why? It's not really funny. It's not intelligent. It's not even remotely amusing. Are they getting paid to laugh? You would have to pay me pretty well to not go do something better with my time.

Another thought - why do comics who are inherently unfunny resort to more and more offensive jokes? Is it because they are trying to blackmail their audience into laughing? No one wants to look like the only closed minded fool in the audience, so everyone at these shows is always chuckling tentatively and looking around to make sure that everyone else is doing the same thing. Besides, apparently if you are doing stand up comedy - it gives you license to say whatever the hell you want - because is "JUST a joke - jeez, lighten up"
I love those stand-up routines that are just a two hour rantfest. You know, I have those all of the time - and I don't even charge admission!

2006-11-09T05:54:00.000-08:00

I was driving back from Louisville last night when a thought struck me. (Almost literally.) Why do people who are driving semi trucks with trailers containing flammable liquids uniformly drive like jerks? Are they blissfully unaware that if they crash into me (or anyone else for that matter) that everyone is going to die? Furthermore, why do other motorists tailgate these guys? First of all, if the truck driver needed to break quickly everyone is going to die. Secondly, since the person who is driving the flammable liquids truck is driving like a jerk, he or she is about 80 billion times more likely to need to slam on the breaks. Death is imminent.

2006-11-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get the irresistible urge to go jumping through puddles on a rainy day only to remember that you are dressed in concert black and heading towards a performance? I do. It's too bad. Really.

2006-11-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever hung around with or dated a guy (or gal, I suppose) who said your name incessantly? Like it was some sort of weird drug or aphrodisiac just to recite your name over and over? Or perhaps they just say your name over and over to get your attention while you are trying to convey your thoughts to them - because they really aren't interested in your point of view?

It's kind of weird.

I know a few guys like this. This is how a conversation with them goes:

Me: "You know, I really didn't like it when you grabbed my ass just now. It's kind of . . .
Them: "Jen"
Me: "um . . . degrading, you know? Especially since . . ."
Them: "Jen, Jen!"
Me: "I didn't really give you permission to touch . . ."
Them: "JEN! JEN! JEN!"
Me: " . . . um, yeah . . .me at all."
Them: "Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen"
Me: "umm, YEEESSS??"
Them: "Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen - You are sexy."
Me: "Ok, that's it - I'm out."

2006-11-01T00:22:00.000-08:00

You know what I really hate? Supposed "Freeware" programs that are just trial versions - only you didn't know that until you wasted your time downloading them.
Also - programs that fall under the above-mentioned category that suck. Why waste your money on something that sucks?

2006-10-31T19:55:00.000-08:00

So . . .
I keep on swearing that I'm going to stop converting records into CDs for people for a job - but for whatever reason I keep agreeing to do it. I think that deep down, I must be a masochist who is hiding under the guise of a really helpful person.
Just to fill you in - converting records to CDs is a MAJOR pain in the butt. First of all, you have to sit and wait for the whole record to play in real time to record it. Then, if you are trying to do a good (or even a decent job), you have to edit out the pops and clicks and whistles and such forth. Depending on the condition of the record, this could be really easy - or terribly time consuming.
Current record for number of click removed from one side of a record - 107,892.
Yeah. So, it takes awhile. And that is if your equipment is working properly - which in my experience is rather rare.
Everytime after I finish an order from someone I swear that I'm going to quit doing this. But then, inevitably I will get drawn back into it because for whatever reason, my brain does not seem to remember it being as annoying as it really was. This is quickly rectified when I actually start the process again.
As you may have guessed, I am currently converting some records onto CDs. Blaaargh!

2006-10-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

Currently, I should be doing my homework. I realize this, but it does not mean that I particularly care.
When I started this blog yesterday, I thought that it would be a great tool for letting my family and friends know what I am doing. However, I am already noticing it's amazing potential as a procrastination aid so that I can not do the things that I really should be doing.
Since I can't afford cable TV, I have to draw my time frittering techniques from alternative sources.
Here is a list of current idling activities that I engage in instead of doing my homework:

Zelda
Smash Brothers
Making clothes (a note on this subject - I never tend to make clothes when I NEED clothes - only when I have a paper that is due)
Geocaching
Brushing and braiding my horse's mane and tail
Watching random things on the internet.
BUYING random things on the internet.
Posting random things on the internet.
Sitting on the couch staring aimlessly at the wall.

Ah yes. What a full life I lead.

2006-10-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

I hate spiders. So I just squished the 3rd spider that I've seen in my house today, and I was thinking to myself, "self, why the hell did you move into a barn if you don't like spiders?". Having to deal with spiders has long been one of my least favorite horse-related activities, so I'm pretty perplexed as to why it never occured to me that I would have to deal with this sort of thing in my apartment.
I know, I know. It's a "girly" thing to be afraid of spiders. Well, let's just get one thing straight. It's not that I'm afraid of spiders - it's just that I intensely HATE them. I would be ok with them if they just sat in their little corner minding their own buisness and doing the bug eating thing. That's cool. That's TOTALLY cool.
No, my hatred of spiders comes from a personal space issue. I don't like it when spiders feel the need to be on my person. EXCUSE ME, I believe that is MY arm. I did not give you permission to be on my arm. . .
Anyway, this apartment has played temporary host to a cornicopia of different sized and shaped spiders - from the huge discusting hairy one that Hildegard killed (Praise GOD) two weeks ago to the little tiny guy that I just squished as he ran across my keyboard. They have been in my shoes, in my car and on my face when I wake up. I HATE SPIDERS.
The worst part of all of this, is that I never feel like I can actually KILL the spiders in good concious. I always feel so bad! If I had a more heroic or in general brave nature, perhaps I would carry them outside on a piece of paper. I tried that once. It ran up my arm and I had to squish it.
So any and all spiders out there, consider this your offical notice - If you come into my house, I WILL have to squish you. I'm sorry. I don't make the rules. Well, ok, really I do - but I don't LIKE them. This will hurt me more than it hurts you. Really.