What is this even supposed to stand for? Rotten Bench? Rotund Bunch? Why bother?

Drivers I encountered today on an Indiana freeway:

• The person with no driving skills who is only alive because of the good driving skills (and graces) of those around him.
• The "perpetually adjusting the radio or dialing the cell phone and diving into your lane" person.
• The road hog
• The "I'm going to tailgate you for 20 miles for no apparent reason - even though I can go around you" person.
• The ever professional person who is driving a limo all the way from Indianapolis to Bloomington like they could be sued at any moment. A note to whoever was riding in the limo - In case you were unaware, limos are really worthless displays of supposed wealth - especially when it's a crappy one. Are you trying to prove and/or compensate for something? Congrats man, I'll take a car - thanks.
  
• The Ford Windstar that speeds and rides your tail until you get out of the way. Upon further inspection, you realize that this is because they have 4 unruly kids in the back seat who refuse to be entertained by the DVD player.
• The "I am old and thus must drive 30 miles an hour in a 70 mile an hour zone and cause people to almost crash into me" person.
• The traffic weaver who is not happy with going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit like everyone else. Therefore, he MUST endanger the lives of everyone by squeezing his sport car into barely sport car fitting places. Inappropriate!! You are NOT a NASCAR driver, buddy. Really.
• The sports fan coming home from watching some game or another - holding a flag out the window and sticking his head out into oncoming traffic. Safe.
• Random speed man.
• Random crazy aggressive driving man - who comes up on you really quickly from behind, and then cuts a few cars off desperately trying not to crash into you (who are going 10 over the speed limit already). After cutting everyone off, honking, flipping people off and throwing a milkshake out the window at a poor sap who got into the way (causing a whole new danger as it hit the windshield) - he slows down to about five UNDER the speed limit, and everyone has to pass him again. Woah.

In summary - I really don't like driving. Well, actually, I don't like OTHER people driving. I would be totally cool with driving if no one else was ever on the road!

List of things that I am currently dissatisfied with:

• Those tiny little purse umbrellas - cute, but ultimately not going to keep you dry.
• The color black - I have and wear WAY too much of it.
• Skirts that are supposed to touch the ground but don't if you are six feet tall.
  
• 2 inch heels - ouch.
• Why are people still wearing those stupid ugly boots?
• Spandex - is kind only to small Asian girls.
• Hollywood - obsessed with sex
  
• Pop music - obsessed with sex
  
• Pop Culture - obsessed with sex
  
• Non-stick cookware that doesn't work - no! my beautiful brownies!
  
• Scientology - WTF?
• Halibut steaks
• Gas - both the kind my car eats and the kind that I have.
• Old tooley pickups that only sort of run
• Fast food
  

Things I am currently in love with:

• John Stewart
• Steven Colbert
• Brownies
• Curry
• Bollywood
• Ambivalence
• Tea
• The color orange
• The color purple
• Hippos, penguins and aardvarks
• Blogging
• Arby's Chicken Salad (only fast food exception)
• Goldfish crackers in your salad - completely and totally awesome.
  

Have you ever watched a standup comic and thought - how on earth does this guy make a living? Whenever I watch a television broadcast of a standup comic, I always wonder why the people in the audience are actually laughing. Why? It's not really funny. It's not intelligent. It's not even remotely amusing. Are they getting paid to laugh? You would have to pay me pretty well to not go do something better with my time.

Another thought - why do comics who are inherently unfunny resort to more and more offensive jokes? Is it because they are trying to blackmail their audience into laughing? No one wants to look like the only closed minded fool in the audience, so everyone at these shows is always chuckling tentatively and looking around to make sure that everyone else is doing the same thing. Besides, apparently if you are doing stand up comedy - it gives you license to say whatever the hell you want - because is "JUST a joke - jeez, lighten up"
I love those stand-up routines that are just a two hour rantfest. You know, I have those all of the time - and I don't even charge admission!

I was driving back from Louisville last night when a thought struck me. (Almost literally.) Why do people who are driving semi trucks with trailers containing flammable liquids uniformly drive like jerks? Are they blissfully unaware that if they crash into me (or anyone else for that matter) that everyone is going to die? Furthermore, why do other motorists tailgate these guys? First of all, if the truck driver needed to break quickly everyone is going to die. Secondly, since the person who is driving the flammable liquids truck is driving like a jerk, he or she is about 80 billion times more likely to need to slam on the breaks. Death is imminent.

Do you ever get the irresistible urge to go jumping through puddles on a rainy day only to remember that you are dressed in concert black and heading towards a performance? I do. It's too bad. Really.

Have you ever hung around with or dated a guy (or gal, I suppose) who said your name incessantly? Like it was some sort of weird drug or aphrodisiac just to recite your name over and over? Or perhaps they just say your name over and over to get your attention while you are trying to convey your thoughts to them - because they really aren't interested in your point of view?

It's kind of weird.

I know a few guys like this. This is how a conversation with them goes:

Me: "You know, I really didn't like it when you grabbed my ass just now. It's kind of . . .
Them: "Jen"
Me: "um . . . degrading, you know? Especially since . . ."
Them: "Jen, Jen!"
Me: "I didn't really give you permission to touch . . ."
Them: "JEN! JEN! JEN!"
Me: " . . . um, yeah . . .me at all."
Them: "Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen"
Me: "umm, YEEESSS??"
Them: "Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen - You are sexy."
Me: "Ok, that's it - I'm out."

You know what I really hate? Supposed "Freeware" programs that are just trial versions - only you didn't know that until you wasted your time downloading them.
Also - programs that fall under the above-mentioned category that suck. Why waste your money on something that sucks?