Merry Christmas Benton!

So, I decided to make a cute little stall plaque for the one poor horse (Benton) that lives in the barn by himself. None of the other horses come in at night... so it seems kind of strange to me that MY horse who never comes in has this beautiful little stall plaque that my cousin made for me... but Benton has no such sign on his stall.

Anyway.. I thought that it would be a good idea to make Benton a little sign with his name on it to match Sierra's... How hard could it be? Well, if there is one thing that I should know about myself by now.. it is that I am NOT a perfectionist . . . well . . . at least not when it comes to arts and crafts.

When I finished, I thought it looked pretty good and all . . . but when I took it outside and hung it on Benton's stall, I realized that actually, it looked pretty second rate as long as there was Sierra's to compare it to. Oh well.

So I thought that I would post some pictures so that you can compare and contrast:

Sierra's Plaque:

• Made of nice quality wood
• Wood has been polished and lacquered
  
• Handsome Brass Hangings
• Cute pose for horse
• Name in professional looking letters

Benton's Plaque:

• Made of wood literally pulled out of a dumpster because it was the right size
• Wood has been sloppily sanded to prevent splinters, but not polished or lacquered.
• Handsome nails pounded into the top of the plaque with yarn tied around it for hangings. Works fine now.. but they'll have to CUT that off the stall.
• Horse was in quarter horse pose.. but when compared to the Sierra plaque he just looks sad or lethargic.
• Letters look vaguely like someone printed "BENTON" out of Microsoft Word in Times New Roman font, then traced the letters . . . poorly . . . onto the plaque

Oh well . . . supposedly it is the thought that counts. Hopefully they like it.
Merry Christmas, Benton!

Highlights From Christmas in Iowa

Presents
My brother John gave me a "Make Your Own Murder Scene Kit". It included two kitchen knifes, a box of chalk to with which to make a body outline, and four packets of Wendy's catsup for fake blood. I also managed to get THREE... yes THREE oven mitts.

When we called my Grandparents Cherveny to wish the folks in Minnesota a Merry Christmas, I was asked if I had gotten my Christmas card from Grandma and Grandpa. Well, I had.. but it had been unsigned and without the check that Grandma SWEARS she put in it. HA! She spent the next 10 minutes making everyone in Minnesota check their cards to see if she had put two checks in theirs. Yes, Grandma is starting to show her age. . .


Fun and Games

And finally . . . another Christmas, another messed up game of Balderdash. Why one of our family traditions is to play a game that rewards those who are the best at the B.S? . . . One could not say, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Here are some of my favorite responses from this year's verbal battle:

Q: What does N.A.L.G. stand for?
Mom: The National Association of Gorillas Intellectual.
John: Never Ask Indigenous Giraffes (for directions)
Me: National Amiable League of Garotters

Q: What is the plot of "Beyond the Doors"?
John: A Nuclear power plant lets out radiation which infects a small garden where the vegetables came to life and have to fight off rabbits.

Q: What is the plot of "The Cow"?
Paul: A cow turns into a serial killer in New York City, but manages to escape the local police.

Q: What is the plot of "The Terror of Tiny Town"?
Me: A Christmas Special parody where the elven residents of Tiny Town are attacked by a venomous fanged beast from hell.

Q: In Oklahoma it is still illegal to destroy. . . ?
John: A hornet's nest with your bare hands.
Correct Answer: Another man's melons at night.

Q: What is the plot of "Wild Women of Wongo"?
Dad: Part 7 of the "Girls Gone Wild" series.
Me: In this comical version of an ancient Greek myth, Hercules must travel to the island of Wongo to stop its women from turning into murderous walruses.

Q: Who is Marta Espina?
Correct Answer: 75 year old lady who was accidentally killed by a poodle after it fell out of an apartment balcony and landed on her head.

Q: Who was Max Kiss?
Me: Man who evaded authorities for two weeks after escaping from prison by hiding in a dead moose.
John: ARG! There's a rabid hibiscus plant eating my leg! The pain! The pain! Oh... look.... a nice shiny quarter. (My favorite response of all night)

By the way, when it comes to the game of B.S, I am usually the definitive winner. This game was no different. I wonder what this says about me. . . ?

How to make your very own copy of the world's most ghetto microphone stand in nine easy steps!!

Step One:
Be very very poor and unable to find a microphone stand within your budget. (Under 15 dollars)
Step Two:
Drive to Lowe's and wander around looking for things that you might potentially use for a mic stand.
Step Three:
Settle on a PVC pipe and five gallon bucket.
Step Four:
Cut a PVC pipe sized hole in the bucket.
Step Five:
Stuff PVC pipe and dirty laundry into the bucket. (To prevent the PVC pipe from moving around too much)
Step Six:
Apply Masking Tape to the junction of pipe and bucket.
Step Seven:
Put mic holder into PVC pipe.
Step Eight:
Realize that mic holder is too narrow.
Step Nine:
Wrap the mic holder in a super absorbent "Feminine Napkin" and replace into PVC pipe.

Huzzah! You have just created your very own completely ghetto mic stand! Total cost - six dollars. Total awesome - immeasurable.

Dear Self 1,

Sorry for the Dear John, but Self 2 and I think that it's time that we parted ways. Self 2 and I have been doing fine on our own without you - and in fact, we have been realizing more and more how much you are getting in the way of our success and happiness.
We thank you for all the good times that we've had. Well actually, now that I think about it, we really haven't had any "Good Times". All of our "times" have been at our expense! You know, the preventing us from playing the trombone well with your incessant prattle ("Don't screw up! Don't be distracted!") - the telling us that we don't really have any friends - the telling us that we are pretty much doing nothing of any value on a day to day basis. You know, although in some of these instances you are probably right, it doesn't mean that we want to hear about it nonstop all day long. It prevents Self 2 and I from doing anything useful or meaningful when you start your inane yakking. It prevents us from getting a full nights rest because you won't even shut up at night - and we've had it!
Self 2 has been feeling especially put off by you. She tries so hard to just do what she is good at. But it's kind of hard for her to do anything right with you looking over her shoulder and shouting the wrong commands at the top your lungs. She is afraid that you make her look bad. And she's right, you make us BOTH look bad. That's just annoying, OK?
So in conclusion, we think that's it's best that we just go our separate ways like responsible adults. That is why Self 2 and I have filed for a divorce from you. We are filing under "irreconcilable differences". You can still have custody of the cat every other weekend if you so choose.

Cordially,
Apkiwa and Self 2