Dear Self 1,

Sorry for the Dear John, but Self 2 and I think that it's time that we parted ways. Self 2 and I have been doing fine on our own without you - and in fact, we have been realizing more and more how much you are getting in the way of our success and happiness.
We thank you for all the good times that we've had. Well actually, now that I think about it, we really haven't had any "Good Times". All of our "times" have been at our expense! You know, the preventing us from playing the trombone well with your incessant prattle ("Don't screw up! Don't be distracted!") - the telling us that we don't really have any friends - the telling us that we are pretty much doing nothing of any value on a day to day basis. You know, although in some of these instances you are probably right, it doesn't mean that we want to hear about it nonstop all day long. It prevents Self 2 and I from doing anything useful or meaningful when you start your inane yakking. It prevents us from getting a full nights rest because you won't even shut up at night - and we've had it!
Self 2 has been feeling especially put off by you. She tries so hard to just do what she is good at. But it's kind of hard for her to do anything right with you looking over her shoulder and shouting the wrong commands at the top your lungs. She is afraid that you make her look bad. And she's right, you make us BOTH look bad. That's just annoying, OK?
So in conclusion, we think that's it's best that we just go our separate ways like responsible adults. That is why Self 2 and I have filed for a divorce from you. We are filing under "irreconcilable differences". You can still have custody of the cat every other weekend if you so choose.

Cordially,
Apkiwa and Self 2