Born under the sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:
The Curse of the School, the Guarantor, and the Lender.

In case you hadn't yet noticed the trend - this is going to be a regular feature on this blog.

For your reading pleasure, the transcript of an actual phone conversation that I had with a multitude of Sallie Mae representatives. Care has been taken to reproduce this conversation as accurately as possible. Sorry about the length, but I SWEAR it will be worth your time. It's hilarious.

I was trying to figure out what the latest hold-up was in my student loan processing, so I dialed the 800 number that was specifically listed as "Graduate Plus Loans" on the Sallie Mae website. After listening to a long automated message, entering my account number for verification and my 5 digit zip code, I was given to a customer service representative.

Lady: "Hello, can I please get your address for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. Do you want my permanent address, or my current address?"
Lady: "Madam, I just need your address to confirm that I am speaking to Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "I realize that, I just have more than one. Do you need an address in Iowa, or an address in Indiana?"
Lady: "I can't tell you that information, Madam, without first confirming your identity."
Me: "Ummmm. . .(I said my Iowa address)"
Lady: "Ok, thank you Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady: "Oh, let me transfer you to the right department. . ."

hold music. . . .

Man: "Hello, can I please get your zip code and phone number for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. (Iowa zipcode & Iowa telephone number)."
Man: "I'm sorry, that is not the information that I have listed for you. I can only speak about this account with Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "Well, I am Apkiwa, I guess I'm not sure which telephone number and zipcode you want me to give you. I have a current and a permanent residence. Is it (Indiana zipcode and telephone number)?"
Man: "Ok, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man: "Oh, I am sorry, you have the wrong department. Let me transfer you to the correct department."

hold music. . .

Lady 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and telephone number for verification?"
Me: (Date of birth and Indiana telephone number)
Lady 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady 2: "Well, from what it says on my screen, we have all of the information and you have been approved. Let me transfer you to the main loan department so they can make sure that this information is correct. . . "

hold music . . .

Man 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and address for verification?"
Me: "(date of birth and Iowa address)"
Man 2: "I'm sorry, I do not have that address listed. I can only speak to Ms. Tiafi about this account information"
Me: "Sigh. (Indiana address)"
Man 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. How - may - I - ass-ist - you (yawn) today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Yawn"
Me: "Is this the correct department?"
Man 2: "Yaw. . nyes. Can you repeat the question, please?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Ok, it says here that you have submitted all of the information and that the loan has been approved."
Me: "Ok. . .then why has the loan not been processed yet?"
Man 2: "Well, we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender and make sure that we all have the same information before we can send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "It has been two weeks. How long does that normally take?"
Man 2: "People is asking me that all the time, and I tell them, 'we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender'.
Me: "Yes, you just said that. But how long does it usually take?"
Man 2: "Well ma'am, as I said, we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender and make sure we all have the same information before we can give you the money. I don't know how long it will take."
Me: "Is there someway of telling how far in the process of contacting the other parties you are?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, I just told you - we have to contact the school, the guarantor AND the lender. That can take some time. I don't know how long, but since we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender, sometimes it can be a long time."
Me: "Is there someone there who I can talk to who can give me more information?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, your school is IU, your guarantor is blah, and your lender is Sallie Mae"
Me: "Sigh. I realize that, sir. I have the promissory note right in front of me."
Man 2: "Look ma'am, I'm just saying that we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender before the loan can go through. Then we will send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "So, you don't know how long it will take?"
Man 2: "No, we have to. . ."
Me: "I know - school, guarantor, lender. Right. Got that. And there is no one there who can give me more information or an estimate?"
Man 2: "No"
Me: "Ok, well . . . thank you for your time . . . bye."

click

For a brief while while this last man and I were talking, I could have SWORN I had gotten caught somehow in an SNL skit - but no, this is my real life in all of its glory. . .

Total time on the phone with Sallie Mae: 43 minutes, 12 seconds.