Why hello again!

I'm so sorry that I am apparently the sole source of entertainment for so many of you loyal readers out there. . . So here you go - 5 minutes of blog reading glory to you. . .

New category!

Mentally Challenged Pets:

Today we are going to talk about cats. My cats. Specifically, how they have the tendency to do amazingly stupid things.

Most people who have met my cats will immediately assume that I am talking about my seriously impaired cat, Milhaud. But, no. Actually, this particular post belongs to Hildegard - the "smart one".

Yesterday, I purchased some lightbulbs for my studio. I left them in the bag in the studio for later installation as went about other business. A little later, I walked downstairs and Milhaud politely informed me that they were STARVING TO DEATH because they had only had a little food left in the dish. So I went to fill it up - which usually causes both cats to come running.

Milhaud runs in - and then I hear this deafening roar coming towards me. Panicked, I look around for the source when suddenly, Hildegard comes running into the room like a bat out of hell. Her eyes are like dinnerplates and every hair on her body is stuck straight in the air. Oh yes, AND she is stuck in the handle of my plastic bag full of lightbulbs. She thinks it is chasing her and thus proceeds to try to lose it by diving in and around other objects. Naturally, this just causes her to get "clotheslined" as the bag would get stuck. Naturally, this just made her run even harder. And NATURALLY the bag doesn't rip, but I hear this crash/tinkle sort of sound and magically the bag fits under the chair, under the book shelf, under the bed. After tearing around the room for what must have been at least two minutes, she finally dives back under the bed where she cowers, exhausted.

As the good cat-mom I am, I felt like I should probably get her uncaught from the bag and make sure she hadn't broken anything. So, I pulled the bed back and picked her up and untangled her from the plastic bag of a thousand horrors. Which is when I realized that she had actually been so scared that she had lost control of her bodily fluids. Perfect.
I open the bag. Sure enough, every last lightbulb is smashed into a thousand pieces.

Hildegard didn't come out from behind the bed for three hours. And when she finally did, she spent the first 15 minutes or so checking behind every nook and cranny for the cat-eating bag; and even then, for the next couple of hours every bumb or scrape would send her flying back under the bed.

Maybe it makes me a terrible person that I found this terribly amusing . . .

What is wrong with the Japanese?!

In light of the numerous asinine discoveries stemming from this country, I decided that they should get their own heading.

And now: Two chicks fight the ultimate duel. With YOYOs.

Asinine Discovery:

Musixbattle - trombone!

You have to hand it to the Japanese for their talent in making even the most mundane things exceptionally weird.

Real? Life update:

Hot, charming, sensitive Spaniard? Yes, please.
Jen is a very happy girl. Very happy indeed.
That is all.

Asinine Discoveries:

I was reading an article about mail order brides from India when I decided to scope out the availability of mail order men. I just sort of figured it was like the male stripper deal - everyone knows they exist but there is just less demand for them. Turns out, they are not available for order at all. Although there is an over-abundance of "mail order bride" sites online, there is no equivalent service available to women. If you Google "mail order husband" or "mail order groom" you will get nothing more than a collection of parody sites (check out those hotties) odd jokes mentioned on blogs, and one actual service that has all Ukrainian men for order.

Interestingly enough, the Ukraine also has a mail order husband service for gays.

Here is a funny little ad that I found on Craigslist:

"I would like to leave the US as a mail order husband. Permanently expatriate. I would be willing to move to a surprising number of places. I suppose I will naturally go with the hottest woman-age unimportant. If your country doesn't hate America(ns) yet, that would be a bonus. I will perform husbandly duties, whatever is customary in your land. If I can drink beer and go bald with dignity, then this too would be a bonus.

Caucasian, raised Methodist, decent teeth. 6'1"or2" and 185#. I can carry stuff, and fix stuff, I like to cook, and don't mind knocking out some dishes now and then. Please be respectful. I am willing to depart based upon the results of the upcoming November elections."

Also, I just found the song about Iowa that I'm sure I've sang for all of you at some point. It's really not the same without the fiddles. . . . Click here to be amazed.

Yes, I really should be packing. Or practicing. Shhhhhh.

"Sometimes a person, through no fault of his own, can't see past the end of his nose." - Mary Poppins

Yes, sometimes an otherwise good person is so motivated and centered that they are completely oblivious to the people and things around them. This causes them to accidentally be complete egotistical jerks to those who they see as no longer able to help them further their goals.

You know people like this.
I currently know several people like this.

But why do these individuals in my life tend to be men? Maybe just because I tend to find the ones who exhibit this behavior romantically since I'm a woman? You know the kind:
"Hey, I'm your friend - hey I want to be your lover - oh, nevermind - and I guess I'll toss you to the gutter as a friend just because I no longer want to date you."

Is it cowardice that causes this phenomenon?
Awkwardness because of a lack of communication and honesty?
Or just plain goal orientation gone horribly wrong?

Anyway you cut it, it really pisses me off because it robs me of my friends. To be honest, it makes me want to stop giving anyone a chance anymore .

So here is my petition to these several men in my life:
Stop avoiding me. Just be honest. I'm sick of the awkward bullshit and guessing games, and I'm sick of losing friends over an innocent trial-run date or two.

Adventures in Real? Life:
World's Greatest Day!!!!
Well, probably not - but heck, I'm excited!! Here is some random stuff that went right today. . .

Bank "Error" in my favor!!
Do to a series of weird and random events, an inactive checking account of mine was used. For evil. And was overdrawn. I have none of the banks in this chain in town. In fact, the nearest is 2 hours away. AND the bank charges a $7.00 a day overdrawn fee.

I called a friend and had them deposit some funds for me, which they did. I went to check the status online and it said I was still overdrawn. Flustered, I called the bank and they explained the ridiculous predicament, which I will not get into right now - but said that if I mailed them a check for $30.00 that day or the next day that they would see to it that the per day fees for the time spent in transit were removed from my account.

Begrudgingly, I wrote a check and put it in the mailbox with the flag up to be removed by the postman. Unfortunately, due to the stupidity of the landlords, this letter ended up being removed from the mailbox - so it never got sent out. When I got back into town after the weekend, the letter was handed to me. Well, great. So I called my bank - and they gave me the most surprising solution I have ever heard:

"Ok, we'll just take all of the overdraft and late charge fees off of your account. How does that sound?"

Excuse me, what?! Really?! Thanks!!

So, now I don't owe them any money. I can't believe it. That has never happened before. . .

I'm moving out next week!!!!
Words cannot possibly fully express my excitement in this - so I won't bother even trying. My new landlord is letting me live there for free until August after hearing about my latest predicament. I've rarely been so happy.

Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a beautiful feeling,
Everything's goin' my way . . .

Asinine Discoveries:

1. Today I came into possession of the most magical record. The title alone was enough to rocket it into my all time hall of fame of hilarity. What was the name, you ask?
JESUS SOUND EXPLOSION!
Now THAT'S a name for a record.
Friend Sara and I listened to it out of sheer curiosity while doing our daily "pain and suffering" routine. Highlights included:

• A band called "Armageddon Experience" - No, I'm not making this up. They sang a song that almost entirely consisted of the words "One Way". I don't know about you - but regardless of your personal beliefs about Armageddon, I don't really think it is something I would like to "Experience".
  
• A woman who below F sounded exactly like a gospel singer and above F sounded exactly like an opera singer. (very funny when the line dipped up and down in that range)
• A song called "Jesus is Coming" which made me laugh so hard, I almost threw up. Here is a rough transcription of the first 30 seconds of the song . . .
• Theremin introduction . . . (like in the horror movies)
• Sound of a heartbeat over the theremin . . . . THUD DUB . . THUD DUB . . . THUD DUB . . .
  
• On top of this, a woman starts saying in what I suppose was intended to be an excited voice, but it ultimately sounded terrified . . . "Jesus is coming . . . Jesus is COMING!!!!"
  

Wow.

2. Slow News Day. Apparently there is so little going on in the world right now that BBC online has had to resort to speculative reporting. Ever feel like you just need to know what might be in next weeks news? Click here to be enlightened . . .

Asinine Discoveries
Some interesting webreadings

• "We don't want homosexuals in OUR military - but we'd LOVE to support them in yours . . ." US Military tries to make the "gay bomb" and the "flatulence bomb" as nonviolent methods of winning wars. Good use of taxpayer dollars, guys.
• How much money would it take before you allowed someone to cut a disfiguring hole in your completely healthy arm in the name of science? Me personally? All of my student loans.

• Man sues a dry cleaning company for $54 million for losing his pants. Best part? He's a judge. That sure decreases my faith in our judiciary system. Too bad, because I didn't have very much to begin with. . .
  

Adventures in real? life:

• Got a new kite! Sadly, it is still not a stunt kite - but it IS a beautiful black with drops of tie-dye $20 kite. I must say, I feel much cooler when I'm flying that kite than my pink Carebears one. Plus, this one floats in the air when the wind dies down, so it is much more conducive to kite flying in Indiana.
• Made up with a friend that I had been on rough terms with. Happy. :)
• I've officially lost 10 lbs in the last month! Hurrah for healthy weight loss. Only 15 more to go before target is achieved.
• An offer for an interesting temporary career path has presented itself for the year after I graduate. More on this when I can talk about it - but it might be happy. . .
  

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:
The curse of the one question form. . .

I just found out what the problem was with the SallieMae loan. What neither the school, nor SallieMae could tell me was passed on to me by my friend, Miranda who had a similar problem. Apparently, I had to fill out a "form" for summer financial aid - this is also why my scholarship that I was awarded (which I filled out a form for) did not go through.
The form?
Enter your student ID number. That was it. All of this trouble because I didn't go online and enter my student ID number. That was the WHOLE FORM! Everyone was telling me, "Everything is taken care of from your end." No one could say "Hey, go put your student ID number in a box online"??!

Unbelievable.

Misadventure:
I got paid $100 to play one 4 minute piece today.

That is all.

Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Beaurocrat:

Well, to add insult to injury . . .

• Vonage charged the card they had on file instead of the new card I gave them, causing an inactive account to overdraft. Boo.
• IU thinks I owe them $1500.00 for summer classes despite the "full scholarship" they gave me.
• Still no word on that Salliemae loan.

New life plan: Run away to Thailand and become a professional kickboxer.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
A several part blog posting. . .

Part 1: Landlords from Hell

I know that I only have a month left to live here, but I've HAD it. I seriously want to scream.

• My toilet, (which has been dripping since I moved in last August) is STILL broken. Of course, I told them that immediately - in fact, I have, according to my records (yes, I keep track) reminded them of the toilet problem 43 times since I moved in. Mind you, nothing was done about it until after they started LOOKING at their water bills instead of just absentmindedly paying them. Then all of the sudden it was an EMERGENCY that the toilet got fixed and I was yelled at for not alerting them to the problem. Riiiiiiight. So they came over, failed to fix it and instructed me to turn the water to the toilet off whenever I wasn't using it. Also, in the process, they made it stop flushing at all, which sort of made it a moot point. I called them immediately and told them that the toilet wasn't flushing at all. They said they'd be by that night to fix it. . . . well, 3 and a half weeks later, my toilet still doesn't work, despite me reminding them almost every day. I did manage to jimmy-rig the flushing mechanism, so now it sort of flushes. Luxury apartment, my ass. I have stopped turning off the water, figuring that it will get fixed only if they see the next bill.
• I got yelled at for taking my trash bag out to the bin. Seriously. I cleaned out the cat boxes and as usual, took my trash to the outside bin where the trash goes. This was Monday. My Landlord came out on her porch and yells: (mind, you, I'm on the phone at the time) "You need to rearrange your trash taking out schedule so that you are only putting trash in the bin on Wednesday nights. I don't want that smelly stuff in the bin for days." "Would you rather a huge bag of cat poop sits on the carpet of your apartment all week?" "Well, no, but you can clean the cat boxes out on Wednesdays." "I clean them everyday so they don't pee on your carpet." "I don't care what you do with it, just don't put it in here until Wednesday." If I could only devise a way of running it up a flagpole. . .
• They came into my apartment without telling me again. I know it was them. I had locked the door handle and knew which door I had exited out of. What sort of idiot sneaks into your apartment and deadbolts the wrong door? Mind you, these deadbolts are unlockable from the outside and only someone with a key could have unlocked the handle. If you are going to just come into my apartment, why don't you fix the stupid toilet while you are here at least?!! I called them on it, and they denied that they had been in here. Bull. Shit. In that case, I'd really like to know who else has a key to my place. . .
  

Part 2: Born Under the Sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:

• Still no loan money. Still no word on when that might possibly be. I called Salliemae again and was told (AGAIN!) that this was because they had to contact the school, guarantor and lender. Apparently, contacting three companies takes over a month and a half. So, I've had to take out a bridge loan with my home bank. Pretty sad when a loan that you apply for over snailmail four weeks later comes earlier than another loan that you apply for online. Good work Salliemae. Good to know you are going to be making hundreds of dollars of this loan, but you treat me as a commodity as opposed to a customer.

Part 3: Real? Life Update:

• A teapot with special meaning that I loved dearly was broken today. I cried. Also, I am now devoid of a teapot.
• Still no stunt kite . . .
  

Update on real? life:

In the last week, I have been pretty busy being a freakin' wonder woman, if I do say so myself. I made a pair of really nice twill brown pants and a pair of plaid linen capris. (Pictures to follow as soon as I remember to buy batteries for my camera.) I've been asked several times this week - "How did you learn how to sew?" My response? Be so poor that you don't have a choice. It's a good method. I think I'll write a book and make millions! It'll be called "Sewing out of Desperation - A one-step sewing method" I have a similar cookbook idea. . . "The Art to Baking Armeggeddons - How to instinctively cook for the Apolcolypse"

In other news, a few random fun things happened this week . . .

• I found a place to live next year, and it's freakin' amazing!
  
• I had a surprizingly good time at a party with friends.
• Jose Z.-C. randomly called me to inform me that he was in town - and we had coffee. (I haven't talked to this guy in two years!! AMAZING!) He was my aural skills tutor my freshman year - and I can honestly say, I don't know what would have happened if not for his guidance. . .
• I made beef and bean enchiladas completely from scratch (down to the flour tortillas, refried beans and sauce) and also what could be the world's most amazing beef stew. I'll give you one guess as to what was on sale at Kroger this week . . .

Anyone in the market for a blunt, strangely outgoing hermit with a cornicopia of useless talents? I've got an overstock - darn that supply and demand . . .

Asinine Discoveries:
Friend Sara and I were having a crafting party the other day and listening to a radio station based around the music of Beck and Radiohead on Pandora. Naturally, Pandora was picking some pretty interesting stuff as it is wont to do. That is when we stumbled across what we both believe to be the world's most unbelievably imbecilic song: Blood Machine by Chad Vangaalen. Seriously folks, this song is so bad, it is really almost worth buying off of I-tunes. You'll get a good laugh, guaranteed. For those who are poor - try making a Pandora station devoted to it - (they'll play it at least once) - or go here for a 15 second clip.

Here are all of the lyrics in their ridiculous glory:

They had cities built there
Buried deep underground
People had their hearts plugged in
To a giant machine that can circulate blood

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine

One of them explained to me
How they used to be free
Before the machines got built
And before there were laws regulating free will

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine

Cause if one of us unplugs, everybody dies
You gotta switch the thing off from the inside
They'll kill us all

They had cities built there
Buried deep underground
People had their hearts plugged in
To a giant machine that can circulate blood

Please, please, please
That's all they can say is
Please, please, please
Help us escape
From the blood machine


Thank you Pandora. Thank you.

Born under the sign of the Retarded Bureaucrat:
The Curse of the School, the Guarantor, and the Lender.

In case you hadn't yet noticed the trend - this is going to be a regular feature on this blog.

For your reading pleasure, the transcript of an actual phone conversation that I had with a multitude of Sallie Mae representatives. Care has been taken to reproduce this conversation as accurately as possible. Sorry about the length, but I SWEAR it will be worth your time. It's hilarious.

I was trying to figure out what the latest hold-up was in my student loan processing, so I dialed the 800 number that was specifically listed as "Graduate Plus Loans" on the Sallie Mae website. After listening to a long automated message, entering my account number for verification and my 5 digit zip code, I was given to a customer service representative.

Lady: "Hello, can I please get your address for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. Do you want my permanent address, or my current address?"
Lady: "Madam, I just need your address to confirm that I am speaking to Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "I realize that, I just have more than one. Do you need an address in Iowa, or an address in Indiana?"
Lady: "I can't tell you that information, Madam, without first confirming your identity."
Me: "Ummmm. . .(I said my Iowa address)"
Lady: "Ok, thank you Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady: "Oh, let me transfer you to the right department. . ."

hold music. . . .

Man: "Hello, can I please get your zip code and phone number for verification purposes?"
Me: "Sure. (Iowa zipcode & Iowa telephone number)."
Man: "I'm sorry, that is not the information that I have listed for you. I can only speak about this account with Apkiwa Tiafi."
Me: "Well, I am Apkiwa, I guess I'm not sure which telephone number and zipcode you want me to give you. I have a current and a permanent residence. Is it (Indiana zipcode and telephone number)?"
Man: "Ok, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man: "Oh, I am sorry, you have the wrong department. Let me transfer you to the correct department."

hold music. . .

Lady 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and telephone number for verification?"
Me: (Date of birth and Indiana telephone number)
Lady 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Lady 2: "Well, from what it says on my screen, we have all of the information and you have been approved. Let me transfer you to the main loan department so they can make sure that this information is correct. . . "

hold music . . .

Man 2: "Hello. Can I please get your date of birth and address for verification?"
Me: "(date of birth and Iowa address)"
Man 2: "I'm sorry, I do not have that address listed. I can only speak to Ms. Tiafi about this account information"
Me: "Sigh. (Indiana address)"
Man 2: "Thank you, Ms. Tiafi. How - may - I - ass-ist - you (yawn) today?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Yawn"
Me: "Is this the correct department?"
Man 2: "Yaw. . nyes. Can you repeat the question, please?"
Me: "I applied for a Graduate Plus loan two weeks ago, and it says that it is still awaiting information online. I need to know what that information is so I can take care of it."
Man 2: "Ok, it says here that you have submitted all of the information and that the loan has been approved."
Me: "Ok. . .then why has the loan not been processed yet?"
Man 2: "Well, we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender and make sure that we all have the same information before we can send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "It has been two weeks. How long does that normally take?"
Man 2: "People is asking me that all the time, and I tell them, 'we have to contact the school, the guarantor, and the lender'.
Me: "Yes, you just said that. But how long does it usually take?"
Man 2: "Well ma'am, as I said, we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender and make sure we all have the same information before we can give you the money. I don't know how long it will take."
Me: "Is there someway of telling how far in the process of contacting the other parties you are?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, I just told you - we have to contact the school, the guarantor AND the lender. That can take some time. I don't know how long, but since we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender, sometimes it can be a long time."
Me: "Is there someone there who I can talk to who can give me more information?"
Man 2: "Ma'am, your school is IU, your guarantor is blah, and your lender is Sallie Mae"
Me: "Sigh. I realize that, sir. I have the promissory note right in front of me."
Man 2: "Look ma'am, I'm just saying that we have to contact the school, the guarantor and the lender before the loan can go through. Then we will send the money to be distributed by the school."
Me: "So, you don't know how long it will take?"
Man 2: "No, we have to. . ."
Me: "I know - school, guarantor, lender. Right. Got that. And there is no one there who can give me more information or an estimate?"
Man 2: "No"
Me: "Ok, well . . . thank you for your time . . . bye."

click

For a brief while while this last man and I were talking, I could have SWORN I had gotten caught somehow in an SNL skit - but no, this is my real life in all of its glory. . .

Total time on the phone with Sallie Mae: 43 minutes, 12 seconds.

Baking Armageddon! - Version 4.0:

Just got done with another amazing baking extraordinare. Yes, it's 4:30 in the morning. Take into account that I began at 8:00 pm. I was not having the greatest day and baking is quite the "Zen" activity for me. You see, while you are being productive you get to think and even get your hands dirty. . . I love it. I feel much better about life, the universe and everything.

What I made today:

• Huge homemade Chicken-pot-pie.
• 2 ultra thin crust pizzas (homemade, o'course)
• 1 meatloaf
• Kolache

Many of you are probably unenlightened to the utter amazingness that is Kolache. That is probably because most of you are not Czech. Kolache is a Czech (obviously) pastry that is made with a thrice risen bread outside and a fruit inside. They are not particularly sweet - more like "just right" - but oh SO very tasty. This is the second time that I have made them. They turned out great last time, but unbelievably they are even better this time around!! I'm so excited that I decided to take a picture to share with you:



Also, I would like to point out that I now have a cookie jar full of Czech pastries. Bwah ha ha ha!



Probably a few of you should journey out here to eat some of these, because it will be a very bad day for my digestive system if I actually eat them all before they go bad!

Just for fun, here are some other things that make me happy when I am having a bad day:

• I have a special CD that has a brilliant slow progression of music from depressing to elated. All songs I love dearly - and therefore sing along with. It's almost impossible to be feeling down at the end.
• Baking.
• Riding my horse (less valid now that I get interupted by curious neighbors)
• Samba
• Zelda
• Turning off the compy and unplugging the phone. (Which masquerades under the names "retreating to the fortress of solitude" and "rediscovering my inner hermit".) Feeling lonely feels so much better if I can tell myself that it by choice!
  
• Making balloon animals.
• Playing music not intended for bass trombone on the bass trombone. (a.k.a. the songs of Granados, Brahms clarinet sonata in Eb, and "I don't want to live on the moon".
• Flying my kite.
• Fishing
• Climbing a tree and having a picnic at the top.

I hope you have enjoyed my "rainy day craftbox" of activities. Please, feel free to copy them when you want to have your own private pity party! :)

Update!

Those recipies (with the necessary Jen-ifications, of course) were GREAT!

Some randomness:

• Why do they seem to care so much about this? OMG! Old Melon Found!!
• It's the beginning of Gattaca! Personal Human Genome Mapped
• Some lawyer gets treatment resistant consumption, exposes a bunch of people to it, and is now in a hospital under ARMED GUARD. Why do I find this so amusing? Tuberculosis Guy
• I am totally going to make both of these today. Awesome recipe 1 Awesome recipe 2

• As cool as flying a pink Carebears delta kite is,

someone should probably buy me one of these:




That is all.