Here's a new category:

Unbelievable Gig Experience!

Last night, I had the most ridiculous thing happen to me at a gig.

I am the bass trombonist with a 17 piece jazz orchestra called "The Stardusters" that, among other things, always plays the last Wednesday of the month at a pub here in Bloomington.

In this pub, the bandstand is set up right next to a huge window so that you can see the performers to entice folks into the bar. I am set up right next to that window which has a fenced in outdoor section right on the other side. As I am, by approximately 15 years, the junior of the group, it has become a regularity that young men sit at the tables right outside the window instead of in front of the band indoors. These young men are constantly trying to get my attention and are occationally rewarded with a polite smile for their efforts.

Well, there was one such young man sitting outside last night. I kept seeing him staring at me out of the corner of my eye, and was intentionally not looking at him as much as possible because he was literally 3 feet away from me. At the end of one tune, a wave of police cars going past the pub caught my attention, causing me to look in his direction. He seemed delighted and pantomimed "bravo" and "encore". I did a little bow and motioned to the band behind me.

I intentionally did not look at him after that because I could feel him trying to get my attention to lock eyes again - but I did notice out of the corner of my eye an animated conversation between him and his waitress in which he frequently pointed at me. The waitress then went and got the manager of the pub, and an animated conversation occurred between them, again with frequent pointing.

About 15 minutes later, we were playing a rendition of "Moten Swing" when the most bizarre thing happened. We were about 24 bars into the chart, when all of the sudden this guy from outside starts to walk into the bandstand!! He is pushing his way through the saxophonists while we are still playing and was coming straight for me! Our band leader, Jerry, grabbed the guy's arm and yelled "Hey buddy! What the hell do you think you are doing?! You can't come in here!!". The guy went as far as he could with Jerry holding his arm and then started throwing money at me!!! He ended up throwing five dollars and then he just left the bar.

I swear, that was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me at a gig. And the band didn't miss a beat, although some folks were having problems playing because they were laughing so hard. . . .

And yes, I kept the money , bitch.

OH MY GOSH!! A NEW POST!!!!

So sorry to my "adoring fan" (Mom?) at the length of time since my last post. Life pretty much exploded on me since the last time I posted.

Here is a list of random things that have occurred since my last post here:

• I graduated. Sort of. I still need to take piano proficiency because I sort of forgot to sign up for the test. I only have to test out of scales, so my degree (or lack thereof) is contingent on me playing approximately four scales for IU. No, I'm not kidding. Oh well, I'm still in town!
• I got a job working in the Friends of Music office at IU. Only hourly right now, but I've applied for the full position. We'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted!
• I wrote a book. Yes. A book. It is called "The Lean Months Survival Guide". We'll see what happens, I'm still in the editing process. Anyone want to cook-test some recipes?
  
• The horse is back home finally. YAY! A friend is helping me take care of him in exchange for being able to ride him on days that she cares for him.

That's the nutshell version of my life. Now onto the good stuff:

Asinine Discoveries - Slow News Day

Today I found a magical newspaper article in the Bloomington Herald Times:

"Researchers study behavior at buffets - Report finds differing dining habits among fat, skinny folks"

Here are some highlights:

"Wansink bases these tips on research he and a colleague . . . conducted observing 235 people in 14 Chinese all-you-can-eat buffets."

• Somehow, this concept is insanely funny to me.

"Their findings will be released to the New York Times today"

• Apparently the Herald Times is not the only paper having a slow news day.

"In the buffet study, Wansink also found that heavy people chewed an average of 11 times per forkful of food, compared to 15 times for people of normal weight"

• Who's job was it to sit there and count while people chewed? How uncomfortable would that make you feel, to have someone staring at you while you ate - making tick marks on a tablet?
  

". . . rotund eaters put more food on their plates"

• Um... no shit?

And to think - someone funded this research!

Random Song Generator Adventure

For those of you who know me exceptionally well, you already know what it is that I refer to here. Indulge me to explain to those who are not as familiar:

I know the lyrics to a really disgusting amount of songs from a wide variety of genres, eras and languages. I have no idea how many it actually is, I'm not sure there is any way of quantifying it.

The "Random Song Generator" is what we have lovingly dubbed my brain when it won't settle on just one song. My mind goes from song to song in free association mode and picks up some really incredibly random things.

Today, Random Song Generator started going, and I realized that a lot of these songs I hadn't heard in ages. I thought, "Why don't I own these things yet?" So I decided to start buying the ones I could find on I-tunes. I had to cut myself off after only 15 minutes because it was getting really expensive!

It all started with me thinking about Elle Greenwich. She wrote a lot of very popular songs back in the 60's and I played her in a musical in high school. Fun times.

It started with:
Da Doo Run Run

And here is what happened next:

• And Then He Kissed Me
• The Kind of Boy You Can't Forget
• Do Wah Diddy
  
• I Wanna Love Him So Bad
• River Deep, Mountain High
• Can't Get Enough of Your Love
• Daydream Believer
• Respect
• Just My Imagination
• Black Magic Woman
• Take It Easy
• After Midnight
• Tip Toe Through the Tulips
• Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
• Light My Fire
• A Day In the Life
  
• Hello, I Love You
• I Don't Want to Live on the Moon
  
• Spanish Caravan
• Five O'Clock World
• I Only Have Eyes For You
• Walking My Baby Back Home
• Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay
• What a Wonderful World
• Build Me Up Buttercup
• Simply Irresistible
• Furry Sings the Blues
• See-Line Woman
• I Want You to Want Me
• From the Air
• Then I Saw Her Face
• Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife
• It Depends On What You Pay
• Spirits In the Material World
• Limon y Sal
• His Cheeseburger
• Caraluna
  
• She Cries Your Name
• Super Mario Bros Theme Song

And that it where I am going to stop it for this evening. Obviously, I'm on some sort of Oldies kick today. Strange.

Super fun challenge!!! A batch of cookies to whoever can name the most recording artists to match those songs!!

I haven't posted in forever because nothing interesting has been happening, however, randomly I have a lot of stuff to write about. So I'm going to. So there. Deal with it.

I found a CD downstairs today while I was looking for Season 3 of Red Dwarf.
This is what it says on it:

Jen & Adam
Thanks for Sharing our Wedding Day!
-Jon & Shelly Triggs
9/16/05

How much can change in three years? I'll tell you this much, a lot of heartbreak and drama has occurred since that day. It seems like it has been much longer than 3 years. Sadly, neither of these couples are still together.

This is an interesting artifact though. This was top of the parabola for both of these relationships. For Jon and Shelly, the ultimate consumation of their relationship up until that point. For Adam and I? The day we took our engagement photos.

Who would have ever guessed it would have turned out so poorly for all parties?

Strange.

True.

Blogworthy.

I just made the world's most pathetic craft. . . .

You see, I'm in our big house by myself right now while my roommate is staying at his folks for the next month. It's a glorious thing to have the house to myself all day. . . that is, until I try to sleep. I keep thinking that someone is breaking into our house, so I've gotten in the habit of sleeping with my cellphone in my hand.

Don't ask me why it helps me sleep. I know that it makes no sense at all. I guess I think I'm going to dial 911 like lightening?

Anyway, for now I can't sleep without my cellphone on my person. Great.
I also have a habit of sleeping with my only stuffed animal, Copper, the red panda. Not for any particular reason, I just like having something to hug.

Well, I got to thinking last night that it would be totally awesome if I combined the two - so I decided to put my crocheting skills to work and make a little cellphone backpack for Copper.

So. Lame.

Well, crisis averted.
Although Goro still has my pie pan, I was able to convince Eeyore, The Prince Of Darkness to bring over his pie pan at 11:30 pm in exchange for some fresh-out-of-the-oven cookies.
And thus, my pie was saved.
Here is a picture.


Goro, I still need that pie pan.

And everyone? I still need that stunt kite.

GORO!!!! I NEED MY PIE PAN!!!!!

Cookies - reincarnate.

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning? Make some cookies. Before breakfast even.

This time, it was personal.

The result?

The best cookies I have ever made. And I'm not exaggerating. Here they are:


These are finally just the way I remember my mom's tasting. (Hey MOM, you haven't made me cookies in FOREVER!!) :)

Mine have always been good - and they've been close to what mom does, but it's never been exactly the same cookie. This time - I NAILED IT.

Now if only I can reproduce it. . . . .

A Day Of Lament

I messed up my own cookies.
I repeat.
I messed up my own cookies.

I can't believe it.

I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.

An epitaph for my cookies:

Oh eggs,
Where were you when my cookies needed you most?
You were lying next to the mixing bowl
Instead of in the batter
Now the cookies are lying
In a dumpster
On Covenanter Lane

Holyshitbloggingtwodaysinarow!

I had a great day today, dammit. And I just want everyone to know.

Times have been really rough for me lately because of rampant injuries, interpersonal relationship stresses, and major financial problems. However, many of those things are looking like they are working out for the good. . . .

Item #1: I got paid today! From three different people who have been owing me money!!

In celebration of me having money with which to buy food, Goro and I went to Sahara Mart where I was able to buy essentials to last me for the rest of the month. I'm still pretty tight financially, but at least I have just enough to buy what I need and to get a hair cut!!!!! I was thrilled. I only got a trim, so no one noticed - but I think my hair looks better. Which is, I suppose, in the grand scheme of things all that matters anyway.

Item #2: It doesn't look like I'll be needing surgery for my left hand!

I gained a lot of mobility with the finger today and the swelling went down. Whew!

Item #3: I sounded like a bad-ass on the trombone for the first time since I hurt my shoulder. And with witnesses even!

Item #4: I. Have. Awesome. Friends. They listen to me whine. They help me solve my actual problems. They cheer me up, buy me a whole package of cupcakes when the vending machine eats my money, take me out for dinner and go out of their way to cart my ass around town. No one has any right to ask for better friends than I have. For reals.

The B.F., Goro, Brover John, and Ken - I present you with this trophy for your awesome friend-itude. Treasure it forever.

The Left Side of My Body is Cursed.

I'm sure of it. As I'm lying here in bed trying to find a sleep position that keeps my left hand above my heart while simultaneously trying not lying on my left shoulder, it occurs to me that everything happens to me on my left side. This has gone back as long as I can remember (with the exception of the 3 side neutral times I cracked my chin open).

Here is a list of all the major problems/injuries I've ever had:

1. Born with broken left shoulder blade
   
2. Scissors dropped in left eye
3. All skin on left knee removed by falling on a piece of glass.
4. Hit by a car - broke both bones in lower left leg.
5. Middle toe on left foot broken by a horse stepping on it.
6. Improperly done filling causes improperly done root canal causes tooth removal and subsequent tooth replacement on a left molar.
7. Otoschlerosis on the left side.

There is the history. Noticing a trend? Even minor injuries tend to favor that side!

Here are the things that are currently wrong with me:

1. Left shoulder messed up from playing too much trombone. (as of 3 weeks ago)
   
2. Left foot has 4 inch long cut on sole from slipping in shower. (as of this morning)
3. Left palm got a knife stuck almost all the way through it while doing dishes. And now it's all swollen and I can't really move my ring finger. (as of this evening)

But in happy news, my right side feels GREAT! :p

Finished Sweater!











































I just got done with my biggest crocheting project that I have tackled to this point. You see, I'm an avid "fiber-artist", but I have total project A.D.D. Usually, I have to do little projects so that I know I'll finish them - but I decided to buy some nice yarn and sit down and commit myself to this project.

I'm relatively happy with the results, and I've gotten several compliments on the sweater already. Being the perfectionist that I am, I'm not 100% happy with the finished product. It fits really really well. That's great. But somehow, I suck at positioning buttons and snaps. They just aren't quite right and they are creating annoying little buckles here and there. *sigh*.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. Or I'll just learn to live with it.

But, it fits. It looks decent. It's comfortable. And it's a LOVELY orange color, of which I totally approve.

Bill O'Reilly VS. Godwins Law

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-swAcidXHyM

Brilliant.

Purple Flowers!!!















I found them outside
Clusters that covered our lawn
I am delighted

A Haiku

The years pass swiftly
One thing remains a constant
I want a stunt kite

Not even the world's most attractive man can rock the 'stache.
Might this be a lesson for us all?

Bad Marketing:





I found this advertisement for a "career" at McDonalds while watching episodes of the Colbert Report online. How likely do you suppose it is that folks who regularly watch the Colbert Report actually fit into this target demographic? It seems to me that the majority of people who enjoy watching the show might just be more inclined to make fun of it. Why, I'm about to do that right now!

I think the thing that most strikes me about this ad is how the left seems to be an advertisement for a community or small public college telling you how they can prepare you for you for the career of which you've always dreamed. This is starkly contrasted with the "McDonald's" sign on the right. I don't know about you - but when I think of the LAST place I would consider working with two degrees, McDonald's is the FIRST place that comes to mind."

I am suddenly reminded of that Saturday Night Live commercial from back in the 90's. "What will your family do when you are gone? Start planning for their futures - LOTTO."

I realize that McDonald's is probably trying to change precisely that impression. The real humor lies in how poorly they are accomplishing that mission. They are showing this ad to a demographic that, last time I checked, is made up primarily of college students and young professionals. So essentially, they are showing this ad to a group of people for whom the idea of working at McDonald's is their ultimate nightmare of failure. Telling this demographic that they can "maximize their full potential" at McDonald's is probably more likely to scare them than to inspire them! In addition, there is not a single reason given on the sign to inform me why my opinion of employment at McDonald's might be wrong or outdated. Come on folks, know your demographic!

Therefore, I give McDonald's the same advice I gave the movie "Gracie":
Fire. Your. Publicist.

Misadventure!!!

Today I had a fun and challenging project to tackle:
To give you the back story - Goro, my friend and accompanist, broke his wrist several weeks ago. As you might imagine, I've had several reasons to be concerned about his recovery. . .

The doctor has given him the go-ahead for playing - as long as he doesn't do anything that hurts, like move his wrist around too much. The trouble is that the splint that they had given him was made for just after the surgery when he was not able to move his fingers or thumb around very much. The problem? Well, it's pretty hard to play the piano when you can't move your wrist, but damn near impossible when you can't move your thumb!

We got to talking about how the brace could be improved by removing the thumb piece - but of course, you don't want to mess with the brace that you wear for everyday activities just to play a few hours a day. We started talking about the perfect brace for playing piano at this stage in his healing. It would need to immobilize the wrist from motion while allowing the fingers full range of motion. I started talking about the different ways you could go about achieving that, when the familiar but reckless creative crafting demon inside me suddenly decided to take over my body and use it for its own designs.

"I can make that," I was suddenly compelled to say.

The rational side of me was like "You can't be serious - a brace for a BROKEN WRIST?? Are you out of your mind??!!"

But the crafty side somehow won the argument with "Oh, come on. How hard could it be?"

So Goro and I went to Johann's Fabrics and Lowe's to pick up a sturdy fabric, some Velcro, and some sort of material for the brace part that needed to be firm but somewhat flexible so we could mold it to his hand. After spending 30 or 40 minutes wandering around Lowe's, we finally realized that the best material was probably just really firm cardboard - which we could totally get for free. So we got some. And I was able to successfully mold it into a very firm board to support the wrist.

I'll spare you all the boring details of how I put it together - but here are some shots of what he already had compared with what I made for him.
Here is the brace from the doctor - notice the immobile thumb:



















Here is my version. And for all of you who may be freaking out about this idea, this is only an aid to helping him to stop from accidentally moving the wrist too far while playing gigs and such forth. Sure beats the alternative of not playing with a brace at all. . . but I do not recommend this for general life purposes!




Click on this pic to see the cool red stitching!

So there you have it. I must say, I really surprised myself with this one!

She is never going to live this down.

Feeding the Addiction:

So, compliments of friend, freestyletacet I have found a new website called Ravelry. It's basically a social networking site for yarn-arts junkies.

Pros:
The site has lots of folks involved and is fun and inviting.
The site has lots of free patterns.
There are links to great yarn stores nationwide.
There are blogs.
There are help forums.

Cons:
The site has lots of folks involved and is fun and inviting.
The site has lots of free patterns.
There are links to great yarn stores nationwide.
There are blogs.
There are help forums.
And I'm wasting WAY too much time there!!!


I, myself, am primarily a crocheter. Do I knit? Well, sort of. I can make boxes - and even scarves! (read, loooong box) Usually, I knit just enough to get to crochet. Want a sweater? Ok, I'll knit a couple of boxes and make it into a sweater by crocheting the pieces together. Yes, that's just how untalented at knitting I am.

Because of this, in the past I've gotten away with not starting new projects because I purposely avoid looking at new patterns from which to get ideas. Knits are always fashionable - but crocheted pieces are usually lace (too time consuming) or too bulky (read, ugly) to be of any interest for me to try to reproduce. Plus, I really don't know other crochet junkies because knitting for some reason seems to be much more "en vogue", (read, popular in the fringe society of people who enjoy doing repetitive tedious motions in the hopes of getting something vaguely wearable) The end result of this, is that I spend my time doing things like working, practicing, getting stuff done, etc.

Now enter Ravelry: So, all of the sudden, my interest is piqued by a few patterns - and I buy some yarn online . . . . now I'm trapped back in the addiction because I have more ideas for projects than I could possibly ever have time to get to. Shit. Freestyletacet, what have you done to me??!

Asinine-itude-ation:

This month has brought a wave of random ill-informed antagonistic behavior in my direction. I say ill-informed because in all cases, the allegations brought against me are bordering on the ridiculous - and are rather easily proven to be false if the antagonistic character had just bothered to check facts before throwing around blame.
Luckily, the effects in all cases have been relatively limited because I have had more than adequate documentation to prove my side - but it doesn't stop me from being rather annoyed at the situation. Therefore, I have invented a new way to honor these rash individuals by introducing a new point reward system for their actions. . .

Apply Now for the Fuck You Rewards card!
Piss me off! Win fabulous prizes!

• Offense APR is 0% for the first use! After that, a 16% variable annoyance and anger rate may be adhered to your account balance for subsequent use without repaying the balance to my favorable opinion of you.
• No credit limit on offenses!
• Exclusive savings! With regular use, you can reduce my association with you by up to 75%!
  
• Now with wrath insurance! With repeated use of your Fuck You Rewards card, you earn more towards insuring that your account will never be completely devoid of my wrath.
  

How to earn Fuck You Rewards points:

Now it's easier than ever to get started earning Fuck You Rewards! Simply offend me, and you have begun to earn points that you can use in my Rewards program. Each offense will earn you a variable amount of points, depending on the severity and drawn-out-ness of the event. *

All Fuck You Rewards Card members begin as a Bronze member. From there, you can earn your right to move up in the Rewards system!

Bronze member: 0-100 Fuck You points earned
Silver member: 100-200 Fuck You points earned
Gold member: 200-300 Fuck You points earned
Platinum member: 300-infinite Fuck You points earned

*Conditions on point earning are subject to change at any time with the arrival of events that may include, but are not limited to; the amount of unredeemed points already earned towards your Rewards, me having a crappy day, or visits by "Aunt Flow".

How to redeem your Fuck You Rewards:

A great feature of the Fuck You Rewards card program is that your offenses won't expire, giving you ample time to decide how you want to redeem them!

Bronze Member redemption options:

• Generally irritated behavior.
  

Silver Member redemption options:

• Cold indifference.
• Exaggerated professionalism in social and business transactions.
  

Gold Member redemption options:

• Forced civility in social interactions.
• General avoidance of you and places you tend to go.
• Angry and indignant dispute.
  

Platinum Member redemption options:

• With Platinum membership, you are automatically qualified for a free, limited time gift of FLAMING CAT SHIT from our private factory! Delivery included!

• In addition, you have unlimited access to any of the above rewards options at any time!